Memories, Scars and Survival: High School Years

Chapter 45 - Einar

I wore a winter hat to school. Eirik gave me a look, but I said it was cold. Truth was, I wasn't ready to listen to people on the bus criticize my hair. I just knew people would comment and whenever I see people looking, I always assume they are criticizing me.

None of the teachers let you wear a hat in class, so eventually it would happen. Sitting at the table with the guys, I took a deep breath and then pulled it off. I noticed some looking, but no one seemed to care. I didn't hear any criticisms.

Instead, several people told me they liked it. Once I heard someone say a slur, but I realized it didn't hurt as much as when Ezra said it. Only then did I remember I wanted to text Ezra.

At lunch, while sitting with the guys, I pulled out my phone. "Hey, this is Einar. How are you doing? You aren't alone. If you need to talk, I'm here."

I looked to see if he would check his phone. After a minute, I asked Charlie to let me know if he turned to look this way. We talked all lunch, and he told me he never looked this way.

Looking back, he had his phone in his hand. So, I assumed he had to see it. I kept my notifications turned on, hoping he would reply. When mom came home, she told me to ask Charlie if I could spend the night Friday after the dance. Eirik was already staying at Noah's.

Mom wanted to have go out with her friend Saturday morning and said she would feel more comfortable if we weren't home alone. Then she remembered I had a chiropractor appointment. I suggested we cancel it.

While I enjoyed it, I feel like the massages are doing more to help. She thought about it for some time before agreeing.

As Friday approached, I was becoming more excited and terrified. I thought about taking an extra anxiety pill but decided not to. I've done it before and fell asleep.

By Friday, I stopped looking for Ezra to respond. I still saw him at lunch and hoped he would not hurt himself. I remember how suicidal I used to be.

Because of the dance, we didn't have a therapy session this week. I didn't like not having her to talk to, but figured this would be my chance to see if I can make it two weeks. After school, Eirik and I showered and put on casual dress clothes.

Neither Eirik nor I knew how to tie a tie, so mom suggested we bring them and see if one of our friends can help. Mom dropped us off at the front entrance. Walking up, a classmate's father jumped out of his car as he was waiting for cars to pull out in front of him and helped us.

We both thanked him. He shook our hand and said to have a fun time. I wasn't sure whose father he was, but he was nice to help.

Once inside, we put our backpacks with extra clothes for the weekend in our lockers. Our friends all agreed to meet at our table in the cafeteria. Sitting down, only Joey and Simon were there, waiting. They said they would meet girls here, but I wasn't sure.

The dance was in the main gym behind the cafeteria. There was also a line for the snack concession stand. The school opens it until the dance begins.

Charlie was next to arrive. He was wearing a purple dress shirt with a black tie. I was wearing a black shirt with a purple tie. We did not coordinate that, but it made us look like each other's date.

Music started up in the distance, signaling the start of the dance. Noah finally came rushing in and apologized for being late. Liz took too long to get ready, he said.

We all got up and headed for the gym just to get a look at things. I looked around for Liz, but it was dark inside and you couldn't tell who was who. Walking in, Simon and Joey took off to find dance partners. We wished them the best of luck.

The rest of us stood against the wall. Strobe lights flashed around. I put my arms behind me while leaning close to Charlie. I used the closeness to graze his arm with my hand.

There were four entrances to the gym, with kids entering through all of them. There was no way to know which Liz would enter through. On the shorter wall where we entered, the bleachers were out. I pulled Charlie in that direction and we headed to the top. Eirik and Noah followed behind.

Once seated, I leaned my leg against Charlie's leg. It was dark up here and I assumed no one would notice. My phone vibrated in my pocket, and I pulled it out.

Liz reminded me she wanted a dance with Charlie and me. Right now, the music was all too upbeat, and people were jumping around like idiots. Not my idea of dancing. To me, slow dancing in the moonlight is where it's at.

I hoped we could drift off during the dance and make our way outside somewhere to dance alone. Or maybe find a classroom. Eirik and Noah were chattering and left. They said they were going to walk around.

Charlie asked me if I wanted to do anything. I admitted I wanted to dance with him. He said he would; he didn't care what people thought. I wasn't sure. But I also didn't want to disappoint him.

Liz saved me from having to decide. She texted again, asking where we were. Charlie and I saw her enter down below us and joined her. She took both of our hands and led us into the sea of jumping people. Charlie and she started copying everyone else.

I thought it stupid and utterly non-romantic, but I knew I would stand out more if I didn't join in. I discovered it was quite fun. But it made me dizzy.

My glasses bounced up and down, distorting my vision. I took them off and slide them into my dress shirt pocket. This made it worse, but I didn't stop.

I didn't want to disappoint either of them. Thankfully, when the song ended, the DJ switched to something slower. I was relieved.

Needing a break, I grabbed Liz's and Charlie's arms. "Are you alright?" they both asked.

"Yeah, I'm just a little dizzy." The noise was getting to me as well, but I left that out. I used the slow song as my excuse to hold on to them.

It didn't take long for me to realize we were dancing together. We each held hands and swayed. Feeling nervous, I looked around and discovered there were a few other groups. I figured we could just say we were friends, having fun, and not all lovers. We weren't dancing romantically after all.

I used them to get my equilibrium back. At the end of the song, I put my glasses back on and we walked back to the bleachers. Liz joined us up top with me in the middle. We sat for some time, trying to talk over the music and shouting. Eventually, Liz kissed both our cheeks and went off to find her friends.

"Let's get some air," I said into his ear.

"Ok," he said back. I felt his lips almost touching my ear. I've never thought about someone kissing my ear, but now I was thinking exactly that.

We walked around the school. In the far back hall on the top floor, some guys and girls hid in doorways, making out. Some looked to see who was walking by and then ignored us.

We made it all the way to the last classroom. The door was locked, but there was a small space where we could hide. I looked back down the hall and some people were peeking out to see what we were doing. Maybe to see if we would dip into the doorway to make out and reveal ourselves.

I stood looking out the window at the end of the hall. The football field was out there. Charlie leaned against the window and looked back down the hall. I turned around and saw there were no more peepers. I pulled him into the doorway real quick and kissed him.

Our bodies pressed against each other as I pressed him hard against the door. I heard an adult's voice walking down the hall, breaking up the kissers. It sounded like Mrs. Harrison.

I peeked around the corner, and everyone was moving away. Charlie and I slipped out and away, with no one noticing. They were too busy getting away from Mrs. Harrison. We tried to disappear down a different hall, but Mrs. Harrison noticed us and signaled me to come over.

She nodded to Charlie and me. "Be careful, boys. Don't get caught making out by other teachers. Not that you were, of course."

She smiled and patted my arm. We found our way back to the cafeteria. I looked up and out beyond the skylights at the sky above. It was getting darker out. Charlie and I sat at our table and whispered together for the rest of the night. I had a great time just sitting there with him.