Memories, Scars and Survival: High School Years

Chapter 54 - Einar

Dad's sentence shocked me. I needed to be alone and ran upstairs saying nothing to mom or Eirik. I've already been dealing with Ezra's letter poorly, but now I was worse. Lying in bed, I could see myself standing on a cliff high in the clouds. A tremendous gust of wind blew me off the edge.

I could feel myself falling down, lower and lower. I was falling into Tartarus from the Greek Myths. My mind was falling deep into the Earth for what felt like forever.

Then I was under water. Waves crashed down on me, over and over. Struggling to swim to the surface to catch my breath. Fighting and screaming, I made it to the surface to have another wave crash into me. Deeper and deeper I went every time. My breath decreasing more and more each time.

It's like my body was really there. Like I was actually flailing around in the water. My chest on fire, struggling to breathe even though I knew I was laying in bed.

I felt more hopeless as my chest felt like it was drowning in this intense darkness that was overwhelming me. Tears burst from my eyes and I broke down. I pulled my pillow down over my face, muffling the sound.

The more I cried, the harder I held the pillow against me. The harder I held it, the more I began thinking I should pull it harder and tighter until I suffocate myself. At that moment, I felt so afraid.

For the first time, I worried I would do it. I could see myself ending it and a pain exploded from my chest, shocking me back to the present. It was my subconscious pulling me out to protect myself.

But the fear didn't leave. Whatever stopped me, if it didn't, I might be gone already. Never have I felt so close to the edge, and it terrified me.

I went into the bathroom to take a scolding hot shower. I enjoyed the sensations of the burning itchiness and then the relief of it. Climbing out, I was back in the present and knew I was safe for the time being.

I know I could simply begin taking the medications again after stopping when I read the letter. But maybe I don't deserve to have my pain and sorrow disappear. Even if I do, I hate feeling nothing.

Ever since they increased the dosage, I felt like my creativity left. It also stole how amazing Charlie and Liz made me feel. I wasn't even fantasizing about my future with them when I was on it.

Taking the medications, it felt like I was always in a dissociative state. I don't want to live like that. Back in bed, and feeling more like myself, I could think about the last few weeks again with some sort of clarity.

Twice now Ive shut myself off from my friends. I don't want to. It's too dangerous. I cannot let myself get that low again.

I texted them all, telling them about dad's sentence. They were supposed to be doing their online classes, but they all responded. Some expressed shock at the sentence being altered, but they all agreed with the judge. Maybe since everyone seems to agree, maybe I'm the one wrong. Maybe I need to try and believe their side.

I must admit to a great sense of vindication that the judge was believing my side of the story. The judge was admitting what dad did was horrible. Over the days and weeks that followed, when I worried I was dishonoring my father and punishing him with ten years in prison, I reminded myself to listen to my friends. Trust their words and beliefs over mine.

Over that next month, the Governor extended the lockdown two more times. I took my nightmare medication and the anxiety medications, but that's it. Mom went out to buy me new bottles, but I kept pretending I was taking them.

I've been texting Charlie and Liz every day and night. Many times I lay in bed fantasizing about seeing them. It feels like we've been apart for a year. As the weeks passed, both Charlie and Liz complained about their hair getting longer.