Memories, Scars and Survival: High School Years

Chapter 51 - Einar

I shocked myself when I asked Charlie to kiss me in the cafeteria. Seeing Simon kiss Joey when they aren't even gay just made me feel safe. If they can do it, why can't I.

Charlie just makes me feel safe. I know he'd never hurt me. At least, not intentionally.

At first, I was too surprised to hear the people around. Then, as Eirik kept kissing Noah, I noticed someone calling us names. But then they stopped and Eirik stopped kissing Noah.

It seemed Eirik kissed Noah anytime someone said something rude. If so, it worked. Then I heard Sebastion behind me say he would protect me as well as the others. Maybe this is what Sarah meant when she said if I open up, I will find people who will accept me just as I am.

But even with all their support, even I know they won't always be around. I have classes with none of them in them. How can I feel safe there? It's all dad's fault.

He could've made me strong and unafraid of my love and people's reactions to it. But he destroyed me. He broke me and I don't know if I can be fixed.

Once home, I got all my equipment ready for my second practice. There was one more this weekend before my first game on Sunday. I was looking forward to it so much. I want to score in my first game back, but I will settle for an assist or two.

But until then, I have to make it through both practices and the rest of the week in class. Soon I'll find out if the entire team knows about Charlie and me. I remember what Patrick said last year when he joined the team.

He declared he takes showers every time and no one better check him out because he isn't gay. However, there was no way for me not to check him out. He loved to shake his hips, causing himself to spin around in circles like the propeller of a helicopter.

Every time he got someone to look, he mocked them and called them names. Everyone except me. I always wondered if it was because dad was the head coach and maybe he didn't want to be benched.

Either way, it didn't much matter because I couldn't stop looking. He was the first boy our age I saw naked, and he is beautiful. So, heading into the locker room, I worried what he might say.

But no one said anything. Maybe they don't know yet, or they know Eirik will kiss Noah anytime someone says anything rude. Our coach let us have a scrimmage for the full second half of the practice. Dad never let us scrimmage that long.

I saw Sarah on Friday this week and brought her up to date on everything. She was happy to hear I was playing hockey again. She also convinced me it was a good thing to be open at school. Not that I needed to kiss Charlie, but I shouldn't hide my true self.

She suggested I work on building up the confidence to wear nail polish like I talked about with her before. I don't even know why I want to wear nail polish. Maybe it's because dad beat me for wanting to try some on a long time ago.

Sarah suggested I try some on at home and see how I feel. I can always wash it off right away. I told her I'll think about trying. She accepted my promise and walked me out.

Our game on Sunday was out of town. I thought Charlie would come with us, but his parents decided they wanted to watch me play as well. I thought it was really nice of them, but now I worried I'll play bad.

We somehow arrived at the same time. He kissed me in the parking lot, wishing me luck. It excited me, but still I looked around nervously. I still grinned at him before going in.

As I dressed, my anxiety ramped up. My heart was pounding and my hands tremored. It was lucky my gloves restricted some movements. I rested my arms on my bouncing legs and let them bounce into relaxation.