Memories, Scars and Survival: High School Years

Chapter 35 - Eirik

I'm always nervous before the first game in tournaments. There's never a way to know how good the other teams are. Thankfully, we've never come in less than third place, so we've never been the team to be trounced.

After winning by six goals, the coach reminded us we should assume the other teams are better. Before leaving us alone, he reminded everyone to air out their equipment and gave our second room number on the fourth floor. Noah and I rushed out, wanting to get back to the hotel.

Once back, mom made me wait in the second room until everyone came in to air out their equipment. As the room filled with sweaty equipment, the room became more and more stinky. I went back up to my room and showered.

I was excited going to Noah's room, but knew if his father was there, we probably wouldn't do much. I wasn't expecting to be alone with him in the bedroom. But here we were, and I was nervously excited. Anything could happen.

We were making out on the bed soon after the door closed. It seemed like we both wanted control, since we both kept pushing the other under us while kissing. Over and over, we rolled until we fell off the back side of the bed.

Climbing back up, we both laughed. There was so much I wanted to do with him, but I was afraid to hurt him. I didn't want to remind him of his past and didn't know what might trigger something in him. Einar has so many difficulties reliving things in his dreams and nightmares. I don't know if Noah is the same.

Laying next to each other, we stared into each other's eyes. I wanted to touch him and hold him and do so many things.

"I want to touch you," I said.

He looked into my eyes for a long time. "Ok."

I reached out and stroked his cheek and lips. From there, I touched his chin and neck. I pulled him into a kiss again for a short time.

Breaking apart, I let my hand travel down from his shoulder to his waist. Once I made my way to the bottom of his shirt, I slid my hand up under to feel his bare skin. I've never touched a guy like this before. I've certainly never touched someone's stomach.

I let my hand stay on his belly and stared into his eyes. "Will you promise to tell me if I'm going too far?"

He nodded his head. "Yes. But I don't know if I'm ready to do anything back to you. I just don't think I'm ready."

"That's ok," I said. "You don't have to do anything you don't want to. Whenever you are ready."

"I promise I will someday."

I continued my exploration of him. It felt truly amazing, making him feel good. My heart felt like it was soaring high in the sky. For so long, I thought this day would never happen. Not with Noah, or anyone else.

I could never see a time when dad wouldn't be controlling my life. But here I was, making Noah and myself happy by extension. I never knew how good it could feel just making someone else happy.

I looked at Noah again, and his eyes were closed. He mumbled something, but it wasn't to stop. I've seen the guys naked sometimes in the locker room, but this was completely different.

In the locker room, when I managed a look, I felt lucky, but it wasn't that big a deal. This was special. This meant so much more and I knew in that moment, this is who I am and who I want to be. Someday, I hope Einar has this clarity and he will know who he is, and love himself for it.

I did something I've only ever seen online, read in books, or watched in movies. The entire time, many thoughts filled my mind. Am I doing it right? Is he enjoying this? Am I going too far? He wasn't telling me to stop, so I must not be.

What is he thinking right now? Im happier than I've ever been in my life. This is the perfect moment I thought would never happen. Then it happened.

He finished and a terrible thought came into my mind, pushing back on the happiest moment of my life. Dad will kill me now. I've done something so completely gay and I can never not be gay again.

It took me a moment to push everything down and remember; I love myself. I love being who I am, and I love Noah. Fuck dad and anyone who doesn't like who I am.

Returning to staring him in the eyes, I became so thirsty and my mouth dried out. My mind went to church and the Priests saying homosexuality is a sin. Am I going to Hell now? Everything before this was just thoughts and desires. But now I've done the act.

Then again, there are some who say, thinking is doing. By that logic, I've committed this sin probably hundreds or thousands of times just from fantasizing about it.

How can I have felt so amazing a minute ago, but now I'm out of my mind? Why is it ok for girls to do but not guys? Noah brought me back to the world by grabbing my face and making me look into his eyes. I smiled at him, hiding my worries and fears.

Just then, I got a text from mom wondering when we would be back to the room. I remembered their father could be back anytime. After knocking on the door to make sure Einar and Liz were decent, we went back out.

After leaving the room, I asked Einar if he and Liz did anything, but he ignored it and asked me the same.

"Enough that dad would murder me," I said.

He grabbed my hand and squeezed. Back in the room, mom asked what we wanted for dinner. We stopped at an Asian place before coming back to collect our equipment. Most player's equipment was already gone. Mom said she gave a key to the coach.

Once in the car, I pulled out my phone and texted Noah. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm splendid," he replied. "How are you?"

"I'm good. So, did you enjoy that earlier?"

"Definitely, it was amazing. Thank you," he said.

I sent back a heart and blushing emoji. "Glad you liked it."

"Sorry I didn't reciprocate."

"It's ok. Whenever you're ready," I said.

"Are you sure you're ok with it?" he asked.

I was sure, but I still wished he would have. "Absolutely. Just being with you is enough."

Inside the arena, the assistant coach gave us the locker room number, and I headed there. All the guys were already there, and I sat between Simon and Noah. After everyone arrived, the coach came in to give a pep talk and left again.

This game was much closer than the last, but we still won. Noah surprised me by scoring the winning goal in the last period. I was so happy for him. It wasn't his first goal, but he didn't have many.

Once we got back to the hotel, I went and waited in the equipment room again as everyone made their way back and put out their equipment. Noah came and stayed with me until everyone finished.

Joey and Simon reminded us to meet them at the pool. Soon the room was full of everyone's equipment and we could leave. But before we left, I sprayed the room like crazy and then gave Noah a kiss. For the first time, realizing we're alone, I knew we could do what we wanted now.

I pulled him into the bathroom and closed the door to escape the smell. I thought about showering with him, but neither of us had new clothes. Instead, I repeated what I did in the room. Well, mostly. I didn't bother touching his arms and chest again.

This time, he stood while I sat on the toilet. When he finished, I didn't feel terrible like last time. Instead, I felt proud of myself. We were both happy, and that's what mattered. Standing up, we both hugged and left.

Back in my hotel room, I kept the key in case we could sneak off there more. Once in my swimsuit, I joined Einar, and we took off down to the poolroom.