Memories, Scars and Survival: High School Years

Chapter 28 - Eirik

The world felt perfect again. Noah was pushing me against the wall as he kissed me. I was so happy, I forgot the others were there.

When we broke apart, I looked immediately at Einar. He was smiling, and I took it as my sign he was ok with this. For the first time, I felt like I could be myself.

If only dad would accept Noah and me together. All four of us sat in their family room and waited for mom and their dad to finish talking. Liz gave up after a half hour and went upstairs.

It was another half hour or more before they stopped talking. It was simply too long to wait, and I ended up kissing Noah on the couch. We didn't hear mom and Mr. Matthews coming.

"Hey, I thought you two weren't together?" Mr. Matthews said.

We stopped and looked up. "Eirik," mom said, surprised. "You and Noah?"

Mom looked at Einar, and he nodded. I worried she would think I stole Noah from him, but was glad to see he was smiling at her. Back in the car, mom asked Einar if he was ok with me and Noah being together.

"Sure, Noah doesn't like me that way. I wanted him to in the past, but it's ok. I like someone else now."

"Yeah, and who might that be?" Mom asked.

Einar shook his head no. "If it works out, then I'll tell you."

Once home, I ran up to my room and finally had the courage to look up LGBT books and movies online. I still had gift cards to use. Before, I always worried dad would see the search history on our family account, but now I don't care. The day is just too perfect to be worried about him.

Einar entered, smiling. "Why are you all happy?" I asked.

His smile grew wider as he looked at me. "I got kissed tonight."

"From Noah?" I asked, worried.

"I told Liz and their dad about everything that happened and my confusion about being gay. I admitted that sometimes I'm into girls as well. Upstairs, Liz told me she wanted to kiss me so I could determine if I like girls. It felt amazing. Then, in Noah's room, he kissed me quickly too, but just so I could experience it. But it felt like kissing mom or dad. Like he was family."

I was a little upset, but I probably shouldn't be. Noah and I weren't dating. Are we dating now? I realized I didn't know. We kissed each other several times today, but does that mean we're dating? "You said it was just a peck on the lips?"

"Yes, don't worry. He told me he has no feelings of that sort with me. Which is weird, you know, you and I are identical twins. Maybe it's your confidence and athleticism. I'm always depressed and sad," Einar said.

I thought about it and let it go. They're best friends and if Noah was just trying to show him what it felt like to be kissed by a boy, then that's alright. Well, as long as it doesn't happen again.

I remembered he kissed Liz as well. "How was the kiss from Liz? Is that who you were referring to earlier in the car?"

A huge smile crossed Einar's face. I don't think he has ever been that happy before. "The kiss was amazing. I've never felt like that before. She said she would kiss me again if I needed to be reminded of what it felt like."

"That's awesome," I said. "Are you going to kiss her again? Or date her?"

"I would like to kiss her again. But I don't know if she is interested in dating me. She said she was thanking me for always being there for Noah."

"I doubt she'd kiss you if she wasn't interested. Plus, she offered to kiss you more."

Einar looked up at the ceiling for some time. "Yeah, but what if I only like kissing her? What if someday we do more and it grosses me out? That would cause her such pain. I can't do that to someone. Plus, I still fantasize about guys. If I end up with her or a guy, how will I know they're the right choice? What if I pick one, then never stop thinking about the other?"

"Well, bisexual people don't seem to have a problem with staying loyal. I think it's just a matter of finding the right person and staying true to them."

He looked worried and was getting emotional. "Yeah, but I don't think I'm bisexual. I'm not always attracted to both genders. One day I'll be into guys, and the next, I'll be into girls. Or some days, I find trans or fluid people very attractive. What if I'm with someone and then suddenly I'm not attracted to them? I'm sure I'll become attracted to them again in a day or two, but for that time, I'll find them unappealing."

That seems confusing. I've never heard of someone having a changing sexuality. "I think that is something you should bring up with our therapist. She seems cool."

"I wish I had my journal back. I could write all this in there," he said.

"Start a new one," I said.

"I could, but that one was my whole life. It's how I kept track of everything dad did to me so I wouldn't forget. I'm afraid without them, I'll forget everything like I did with Coach Francis. If I lose that, how will I ever know what was real?"

"I don't think that will happen. But if it does, I'll always be here to help guide you back home," I said.

"Thanks, Eirik. Maybe I could ask Mr. Clark for my journal back. Maybe they could make a copy for me."

My phone dinged, and I grabbed it to find Noah sent me a good night message. I stared at the words and smiled. No one outside the family has told me goodnight before. It felt wonderful. I felt cared for by someone other than family.