Memories, Scars and Survival: High School Years

Chapter 50 - Eirik

It was shocking when Ezra took his life. But it surprised me more how hard Einar was dealing with it. Ezra was such a bully to him for years. For days, he hardly spoke to any of us. He just kept going to sleep as soon as he got home.

I worried he was going to hurt himself. Maybe I should feel guilty for thinking that, but I can't lose him. Things changed again for the better when he started playing again.

Even though mom agreed, she seemed nervous about it and wanted him to be careful. The coach let Einar practice as a centerman. He was still the fastest of us off the draw.

He wasn't the fastest skater, but I think he could get there once he builds his speed back up. It's not that he's slow, just that he hasn't used those muscles in some time. Most of the guys were happy he was back, but I worried about Simon.

They bumped him down a line while I took his spot on the right side. I asked the coach to make me the left wing, but he didn't. The first practice he didn't talk to me.

On the bus the next morning, I sat next to him, but he seemed different when talking to him. I couldn't tell if he was angry at me or not. "Hey, what's wrong?"

"Nothing," he said.

I didn't believe him at all. He looked out the window and didn't even look at me when he responded. "Come on, you're my best friend. You can tell me anything."

"Am I?" he asked.

"Are you what? My best friend? Of course! We've been best friends since elementary school, and we started playing hockey."

"Yeah, well, in all that time, we have always been on the same line. You were always my centerman. Now it seems like I am being replaced. Both Joey and me," he said.

"You're not being replaced. The coach moved you. I wanted to play on the left side," I said defensively.

"Really?" he asked skeptically. "Einar and Charlie are best friends and you are best friends with Noah now. You don't text either Joey or me like you used to. You don't spend the night anymore. And now we aren't on the same line."

Crap. I can't deny anything he's said. I've been talking to Noah every chance I can get, especially since Einar shut himself off from everyone.

Einar and I are close to taking our segment two drivers' training course, and the thing I'm most excited about is visiting Noah every day. Joey, Simon and I used to text all the time. Looking through my phone, I saw I've only been responding to them and not instigating any conversations.

Since coming out, I haven't felt the need to pretend to like girls and talk about them all day. I love Noah and being with him, but Simon and Joey are my best friends. I have to do better to make sure we all stay that way.

"I'm sorry. It's not like I meant to stop texting," I said.

"I know, but we haven't texted in over a week. We all went out, which was great, but before that it was several weeks as well. The only thing we ever seem to message about anymore is hockey."

"I'm sorry, Simon. I'll do better. You're my best friend. Sorry I've been ignoring you and Joey. I've just been so caught up in being in love," I said.

He looked at me and smiled. "Love, huh? I'm sorry too. Maybe I've just been jealous. You have Noah, Charlie has Einar, and I feel left out. Joey and I are still single. And with Ezra, I feel like I need my friends and I worried I was losing all of you."

"You're right. We all need our friends. And I'm sorry the coach dropped you down onto the second line. Maybe you can still be on a line with Einar and me sometime. I would much rather play left-wing than right," I said.

I reached over to shake Simon's hand. He laughed and shook mine back. At the table with everyone, I apologized to Joey as well and told him I will be a better friend again. He smiled and gave me a knuckle bump. All the others agreed too.

"Sometimes I forget I don't have to recall everything I've ever told someone when responding. In the past, every word, or feeling I ever expressed were lies, and it's hard keeping track of what I tell different people," Einar said.

"What do you mean?" Charlie asked. "What lies?"

"I was always in constant, never ceasing pain. Whether it be physical, emotional, or psychological. I always had to create lies for every bruise on my skin. Or, for every time I was depressed. Mom and even Eirik," he nodded at me, and I felt guilty, "always said I was a hypochondriac. I'm not, but I can understand why people thought that, since I was always in pain. I just couldn't tell anyone why I was in pain."

I felt so guilty. "Sorry Einar."

"I don't blame you or anyone else. I told no one. It was my fault. I failed myself," Einar said.

He dropped his head into his arms with his face looking down onto the table. Charlie grabbed and held his hands.

"Hey," Charlie began. When Einar didn't look up or move, he continued, "Hey, look at me."

Einar looked up finally. "You are perfect. None of it was your fault. And you tried to get help. Your father betrayed you, but we won't," Charlie said.

I worried how Einar would handle the whispering and caused a distraction. I looked at Noah and told him I was going to kiss him. He nodded and leaned in to kiss me.

"What the hell! Are they all gay?"

"Yes, we are," Simon said. Then he shocked me by grabbing Joey and quickly kissing him on the lips.

Joey pulled away and wiped his hand across his mouth and laughed. Well, that distracted Einar. Noah and Charlie laughed as well. I wondered if they were gay. I never thought so before.

The other guy forgotten, I asked, "wait, are you two?" I left the rest of the question implied.

Simon laughed softly. "We're gay with happiness. But, no, we're not gay. But no one talks crap about our friends."

"See, they're just words, Einar," I said. The people talking crap were gone. "People will always talk crap. But very few will ever go beyond their words. They are weak and insecure. Dad was the only one who went beyond words. I don't know why he is the way he is, but you are safe now. If anyone wants to hurt you, they will have to get through me."

"And me," Simon said.

"Me too," Joey said.

"Add us to that," someone behind us said.

I looked behind at the table and saw Sebastian and our backup goalie. I forgot they sit there in the mornings too. Einar looked back as well, and Sebastian nodded to him. When he turned back to look at us, I saw a tear in his eye. Maybe now he would know that people will accept him.

Darn, the bell rang for our first class. With everyone running around, Einar told Charlie to kiss him. They did, and it made me happy to think Einar was open now.

No one in any of my classes said anything. I wondered how soon it would take for the entire school to hear. I knew they would.

At lunch, people whispered and looked at us, but no one said anything out loud. While sitting there, Simon asked Einar what lies he used to tell.

Einar shrugged. "I don't know. I guess I just had to think of plausible ways I bruised my arms if anyone asked. If I had handprint bruises, I would make the bruises bigger until no one would see a handprint."

"Man, that's crazy," Simon said.

No one seemed to know what to say after that. So, we sat there eating. Then Charlie saved the day by asking Einar if he was happy being back on the ice.

Einar went on and on about what it felt like skating again. He talked about how good it felt being on the ice and knowing dad couldn't hurt him or yell at him out there. He admitted it's the best time he ever spent on the ice. Charlie promised he would be at his first game.