Memories, Scars and Survival: High School Years

Chapter 27 - Einar

I was keeping my eye on all three doors. Anytime I noticed someone approaching through the glass, I would sit up straight, ready to stand. I felt disappointed as others were called before me. It was approaching five minutes after my time when a younger looking woman came out and called me. More than anything, I hate when doctors don't call you at your appointed time.

After getting to know about her, I spent the entire session telling her as much about my past as time allowed. The more I kept telling people, the easier it became to talk about them. Her eyes became misty, but she didn't tear up or cry. I'm happy because I don't handle other's emotions well. I tend to mirror them upon myself.

At the end, she thanked me for being so honest and sharing so much. When I saw the psychiatrist, she talked to me about the same things but also how my emotions were affecting me. She saw the stuff from Dr. Irlova and knew I've thought about hurting myself. So she made me promise I would ask for help if I have those thoughts again or if I ever planned on doing it.

She gave me a list of numbers for hotlines and made me sign a document promising to call them if I need. I signed it but thought it was pointless. I just couldn't see how signing the document would make me not do it. The session took almost an hour, and she told me which prescriptions I would be taking.

Later that night, I stared at the six bottles of medications I have to take every day. I just couldn't help but think dad destroyed my life. He damaged me so completely that there is no point in me being here anymore. I swallowed dry to lone night pill and wondered how long it takes to work.

I was doing homework when Eirik came in. He showed me a picture of us all when we were younger. He told me what Sarah wanted him to do, and that reminded me I was supposed to do it as well.

I looked at myself standing in front of our Aunt Sharon. I missed her so much. She always made me feel loved and accepted. I know she was super religious and went to church four times a week, but not once did she ever talk down about anyone.

I looked back at myself in the picture and saw a boy who lost his soul. A boy whose eyes looked like dark pits of emptiness. I turned away in pain and loss. The boy who came before is dead forever. I'll never find him again. I can never go back.

Eirik apologized, seeing my obvious pain. I told him it was alright and pulled out my English book. My poem was still there, and I had an inspiration to add more. I began a new poem on a new page. When finished, I read it over.

Perhaps melodramatic, but screw them both. People should know what they did. I fell asleep in a better place emotionally. Hopefully it lasts longer than waking up in the morning.

The next night when Eirik came home, he told me the coach wanted me to come back to the team. He said I was still on the roster. The idea of dad adding me to the roster surprised me.

Maybe without dad there, I would enjoy playing. Eirik even added I could play center and he would play as my wingman. Mom supported me, but I would need to wait until after Christmas.

Eirik brought up the tournament, and I realized I would be stuck alone with all the parents and the younger siblings of my teammates. Wow, I'm already thinking of them as my teammates again. I hope Eirik's line mates won't be upset that one of them will be moved to another line.

I wish Charlie could come to Chicago with us and spend time with me. I thought about his smile. It's too bad he plays soccer instead of hockey.

I wonder what he looks like in his team uniform. Hockey equipment doesn't lend itself to noticing anyone, but soccer uniforms are hot. Well, any sport where they only wear gym shorts and a thin jersey is great.