Memories, Scars and Survival: High School Years

Chapter 56 - Einar

Although it still upset me that mom was making me take my pills in front of her, I knew she loved me. Things weren't perfect, but I felt they were getting better since admitting to Sarah I don't know how to live. In the months that have passed, we haven't come up with an answer that satisfies me, but I admitted it.

There's no going back anymore. What I said, I said. What they did, they did. It still hurts me that Ezra's gone.

While I'm conflicted about it, I haven't woken up in fear since dad died. I still have night terrors once in a while, but he's been gone from them. He isn't a threat anymore. At least not in this life.

Over the months, I stopped sensing Eirik and mom looking at me, wondering if I would die at any second. I felt terrible I made them worry, but I knew I would never do it. That should've been enough for them.

Liz and Charlie would text me and call me every day. I think they wanted to make sure I was alive as well, but hearing their voices made me long for each day. After changing medications, I finally began reading the Apollo series from Rick Riordan and I figured out the reference Charlie made long ago.

"So, you like Will Solace?" I asked when he called.

"Only if you're my Nico," he said.

I miss Charlie and Liz so much. I long to be in their presence again. Mom agreed to let me stay the night at Charlie's house, and I was so excited. It's too bad I can't stay with Liz as well. I wondered if we'd ever be able to spend the night in the same house.

While I still worry they can't handle the extent of my pain, I've begun telling Charlie and Liz what dad did to me. Well, I've been writing it and letting them read it. However, I didn't let them read the pages about the coach. I'm not ready for them to know what I remember. What if they think less of me for the feelings I had when it happened?

School began soon after, and things were going well. Coach Francis was locked away somewhere. My advocate said things keep getting pushed back because of the pandemic and they don't want to do a trial as big as this online.

Coach Francis is allowed to have his case heard in court with a jury of his peers. As of this time, he hasn't accepted a plea deal. Though, she is hopeful he will. I asked if they could charge him with Ezra's murder, but she told me the existing law would not support that.

Noah and I talked about it occasionally and we both hoped we wouldn't have to say in court what the coach did. We hoped, while we didn't want anyone seeing them, that the tapes would be enough. Neither of us wants to face him.

I still have the letter from Ezra. I look at it once a week, but don't read it anymore. Thinking about him again, I texted my advocate and asked where he was buried.

It was some time in the day when I heard from her. "He had no family left, so he's next to his father. The police thought it was the best place and came up with the money to make sure it could happen."

It made me happy knowing his body was near his dad's and hoped he knew. I still struggled with my fear he was in hell. I don't know what religion he was, but as a Catholic, I know what my religion says.

I talked to Charlie about it, and he told me God wouldn't punish Ezra. That Ezra suffered enough and God knew that and would welcome him back with his parents like he wanted. Charlie also told me he doesn't believe children go to hell for suicide.

While I hope that's true, I wonder what the consequences would be if I accepted that. For most of my life, hell is the only reason that stopped me sometimes. I decided I wanted a new reason to live. A better reason.

I climbed the hill in our backyard and sat in the large swing. I pushed on the base with my legs until it was swinging on its own. Unsure why, I pulled out my wallet and looked at Ezra's letter again.

I opened it and noticed it falling apart from pulling it out too much. As I read it, I knew my new reason for living.

I began speaking into the wind, letting it carry my voice off into the heavens. "Ezra, I'm thinking about you. I think about you every day and I will never forget you. I'm sorry I haven't spoken to you in a while, but I'm doing better."

As the swing came to a stop, I pushed off again. "I'm going to live my life for us both. My life is your life, too. I pray you're with your parents and you look down and are happy with the life I live. It won't be perfect, and I'm still not happy as much as I would like, but things will be better. One day at a time."