Memories, Scars and Survival: High School Years

Chapter 44 - Eirik

I felt I should comfort Einar, but I didn't know what to say. There are so many feelings going through my mind. I don't want anyone to think I don't love Einar. I certainly will pick him over my dad. But, even though I wanted him gone, I didn't see this coming.

Four years in state prison. That's a lot of time. I know it's all dad's fault, but I want him here. I want him to love Einar and me, and to accept us both. He should be there someday when I get married.

But now I won't see him until I'm eighteen or nineteen. I want to be with Einar, but I don't want him to think I'm conflicted. In our backyard, we have two benches that face each other on a swinging platform. Dad saw it when we took a trip to California and had it shipped here.

I walked through the heavy snow and struggled to get the platform moving through the compacted snow all around it. Eventually, I had it moving as fast as I could make it go. If dad were here, he would yell at me, but screw him.

If he wanted to be here, he wouldn't have hurt Einar all those times. I cried out into the snow blowing viscously around me as I swung fast enough to lift the legs into the air as I pushed harder and harder. I heard some barks and saw Scruffy yipping near me.

Quickly slowing down, I got off and laid in the snow with him. He jumped around on top of me and I scratched his ears and wrestled him around. It was getting too cold laying out here, so I went in with Scruffy.

Over the next two weeks, Simon and Joey haven't treated any of us any differently. Well, they still talked about girls like normal, but instead of to me and Noah, they talked more to Einar and Charlie. Probably because they like girls too.

I don't know why I felt weird about it. Or why I was feeling a pang of jealousy? I could still appreciate the beauty of girls and women. I just have no interest in being with them.

Every day, the jealousy increased. Not that I enjoyed the conversations all that much, but I missed them talking to me all the time. Though, admittedly, I haven't been texting them as much since dating Noah.

At my last appointment with Sarah, we talked about all this. Einar and I also agreed to combine part of our next sessions together. She broke down how we would have a half hour alone with her with a half hour together in the middle.

I was nervous all day before being called back to join them in her office. I sat next to Einar, feeling awkward and uncertain. But once she got us going, it was much easier. She lead me in the direction until I admitted to Einar that I blamed myself for all his abuses.

"How could it be your fault?" he asked. "Dad was the one hitting me. You knew nothing until you found the journal."

"I was the one who wanted to fool around with mom's underwear and nail polish. I talked you into letting me put it on you first. Dad blamed you and beat you, and I didn't stop him. I should've taken the blame. It should have been me that was abused all these years."

Einar was shaking his head in disagreement. "I wouldn't want them hurting you either. Neither of us deserved it."

"All those years, you suffered alone. I didn't fight against dad when he split us up. Ever since that day, I felt like my soul's fractured. Everybody has their own soul, but I think as identical twins, our souls melded and became one. We each took half, and that's why we're identical and not fraternal," I said.

Einar wiped tears from his eyes. "That's beautiful."

I kept going. "When he hit you and split us up, the parts of my soul in you also shattered and I felt the loss. You, mom and Sarah have said it wasn't my fault. But I know it is, and it's eating me up inside."