Memories, Scars and Survival: High School Years

Chapter 55 - Eirik

Mom and I were downstairs. She was making dinner, and I was watching some cartoons. From upstairs, I heard a terrible sound. Mom and I ran upstairs and found Einar crying.

I've never heard so much agony from someone. To hear it from Einar scared me. He was crying and saying he didn't know how to live.

Dread filled me, as I worried he would hurt himself. Mom pulled him into a hug, and I joined them. His cries were so terrible and seemed to get louder. They were hurting my ears in more than one way.

By the time he finished crying, his session was over. But Sarah asked us to give her a few minutes with Einar alone. Mom went down to check on dinner, but asked me to stay in my room to wait for Einar.

That night, Einar admitted to mom and me how much pain he was in. He still didn't want to talk about any details of what happened to him, but he told us how he was feeling about it. When he told us how much he wanted to die, my heart broke. I felt betrayed that he wanted to leave me, his identical twin.

I know he's in intense pain, but he can't leave me. Why can't he let me help him? Not to mention, if he kills himself, how can he expect me and mom to survive that?

He also admitted he hasn't taken his medication since finding the letter from Ezra. Mom didn't yell, but seemed sad and disappointed. She told him to bring his bottles down here and she would make sure he takes them every day.

Einar became upset. "This is why I say nothing. I open up and you punish me."

Mom shook her head. "I'm not punishing you. I love you and want to see you happy and alive. You will not kill yourself."

Einar became even more upset, to the point of shouting. "I'm not weak. I'm still here."

"I'm not calling you weak," mom said. "People who end their lives are not weak. And needing medication isn't weakness either."

After that, mom did in fact make sure he took his pills every day. She would watch him swallow them. At least the anti-depressants. His nightmare pills needed to be taken right before bed. Every once in a while, he would still get them and I would hold him while he sleeps.

Dad wasn't able to have a funeral because of the lockdown. Mom told us Grandma and Grandpa planned on a memorial of some sort for him but didn't want any of us there. Later on, she admitted to me they would let me go if I wanted, but Einar wasn't welcome.

I agreed with mom that I wouldn't go unless they welcomed Einar. But also, I'm not sure I care about dad anymore. The pain in Einar is too great and it's all his fault.

Not long after, things in the upper peninsula opened back up, but with limited capacity. While hesitant about letting us hang out with friends, mom let us drive around a lot. When we were bored inside, mom would take us driving. One of us drove an hour in one direction and the other drove us back.

Over the weeks, Einar seemed to get better. He was hanging out more with mom and me downstairs again. Finally, he began talking about what dad did to him and writing it all down again. Sarah even suggested I write my side of the story, too.

I wondered if he would tell me what the coach did, but wasn't sure if I could handle it. Noah told me a little about his experiences, and that was hard enough. While I'm completely in love with Noah, somehow it's different.

Since getting the letter from Ezra, I no longer blame myself or believe I could've substituted myself for Einar. It wasn't ever about Einar. It relieved me of wondering why not me.

At the beginning of June, the stay-at-home order was lifted. Exams were coming up, and I wondered how we would complete them online. Then the tests came, and they were multiple choice. We typed the answers into an email to each teacher.

I felt like they added a lot more questions, so we wouldn't have time to cheat. We also had to leave the computer's camera on in front of us as we did the tests. Of course, there was no way for them to see all of us at once, but who knows who they're watching.

English was the hardest because she wanted us to create a haiku in an hour's time. I'm sure mine was terrible. Summer began and there were still no sports.

We could play street hockey, but it's not the same as being on the ice. Mom let all our friends come over to play some street hockey. If we came in the house with everyone, she wanted us all to wear masks. I don't know why she was so scared since no one we knew has it. At least up here in the upper peninsula.

Uncle Anders, Aunt Margaret, and our cousins caught it, but they're fine now. Grandma and Grandpa have not left their house since the pandemic began. Mom or one of their neighbors still shops for them and leave the groceries in their garage for them.

Movie theaters were still closed, parks were closed, and so was anything else kids might want to go to during the summer. Since none of our friends are seventeen yet, none of us had level-three licenses to even visit each other on our own.

So, we played video games. More and more, Einar was playing with me instead of reading books. He said the medications were making it hard for him to read as much as he used to. But then his doctor agreed to alter his treatment plan and change the medications he was on.

The longer it took to go back to hockey, I worried I wouldn't be able to show off to colleges. That led to all of us wondering how the NHL would draft players if there were no college games. Near the end of summer vacation, mom let me spend the night at Noah's and Einar stay at Charlie's.

She was still working from home for the time. It would be nice when she went back to work. Not that she watched us all day. I'm just tired of her always being there.

At Noah's house, I saw Liz with her shorter haircut. I thought she looked like a boy and I found her to be cuter than ever. Noah and I spent all day and night in his room playing games and fooling around. We both wanted to do more, but not with his sister there.

Their father has a construction company, so he was working through most of the lockdown. It was wonderful spending time with him again. I hoped the pandemic ends soon so we can spend more time at his house.

When we finally went back to school the next year, we were required to wear masks. Several of our classmates tried to uncover their noses, but the teachers told them to wear them correctly.

On September 18th, football restarted. I kept hoping for hockey to be next, but it didn't happen. Everyone decided we would go to games to spend time as a big group. Since Liz had her level three now, she could drive wherever she wanted.

Noah and I were fully out now and held hands in the bleachers. Some guys gave us some dirty looks, but I didn't care. But, no matter how Einar saw no one attacked us, he still didn't want to be fully open to the school.

Many times, I wondered what it would take. Maybe if I make it into the NHL, I can become the first openly gay player. Then he will see he can be open. Until then, I will always be by his side. So will all the others.