James Buchanan Barnes Imagine book 2

Strength

"Y/n," He started, harsh and shallow breaths filled his ears.

He can do this, he had too. He owed it to her, to her smile, to her life, to her love. He had to tell her. She was found in the kitchen, talking with her known sticky friend and quipped attitude. She was busy but he couldn't turn away, all attention was on him. He had interrupted.

"Bucky," She smiled, giving him a sense of light in whatever darkness he was about to travel too, "Hey, I made tacos if you want any. Although someone ate half already."

She eyed the kid next to her, his mouth was stuffed with tacos as he forced a sheepish smile in his direction. He wished he could do that. Smile. Bring her the same light and joy that she did too him. But he couldn't, he wasn't molded like that anymore. He only brought water to put out that shining fire, to make everything dark the way he liked it. Bucky was never by himself. He was always there, watching, waiting, and paranoid the poor man. His cold eyes never let that smile slip up unless him and Y/n, we're alone. He refused to let any happiness shine through unless it was her.

His only exception.

The room seemed to spin, he couldn't keep his balance and stumbled back to his feet.

No, a weakness. No this isn't how it's supposed to go.

"Bucky? You okay?" She was right by his side in a flash, what he would give to do the same always, "You seem out of it, why don't you lay down?"

No! ON YOUR FEET.

He had to listen, he was too loud, to close, to demanding.

"I'm fine," He breathed, "I just. . I need to talk to you. Please."

She nodded hesitantly, watching as he gathered himself again, an angry red that flashed across his cheeks. The boy who was still stuffing his face realized the heavy air and left, giving his two friends a wave before leaving. Of course, she didn't know what this was all about, but she had faith that whatever this was will pass.

"So, what did you want to talk about?" Her voice was so calm, washing away an agony he had left in his body. They both sat face to face on the couch, knees touching, and her hands enclosed his while she practically laid in his lap. He mindlessly began to play with her hair, running his fingers through the unique style. It always calmed him, his mind, his thoughts, the voices. She was always his source of strength, inspiration, energy, she gave him a sense of meaning and barley even knew it.

"I wanted to talk about. . the—. . well, the uh—"

As if she could read minds she knew what he was trying to talk about, "The incident, right?"

He froze, eyes locked on the loose thread on the couch, "Yes, that. Look, it wasn't supposed to be you who got in the way, it wasn't supposed to be anyone. I don't understand how you're not scared or even mortified of me or how that became, but I wanted to apologize. Truly."

"Bucky," She sighed heavily, sitting up straight from her position, "That seriously wasn't your fault. It was all mine, I didn't get the opportunity to take down that guy. I failed and that caused him to get in your way, you had no choice but to defend yourself. The blood. . . is my fault, it's on my hands. I wish I could've done more to prevent it, to be stronger, but I can't. I couldn't. And I'm sorry."

She hated that day. She felt so weak after that hit, like the world was spinning and she could see colors. She had a chance to prove herself and failed, she was better off behind a desk. One that didn't leave a trial of crimson behind her, that foul stench that neither of them could ever get away from. Her training exceeded higher each time, she did amazing with the bit rounds, and sparing against each avenger. Even if she lost she always learned something knew that helped her defeat somebody else.

"Maybe," She started, looking down almost completely ashamed, "Maybe I'm not meant for the field. I almost got you killed, along with everyone else, and if you guy's actually got hurt or worse I could never live with myself. I'm better off signing papers for shipment, like Happy does. I'm just, I'm not strong enough for this."

She said it so casually, like she's already come to terms with it. But that just made the guilt feel even worse in the pit of his stomach.

Bucky. . . felt guilty for risking her life.

"Doll," He started, "I-it was my fault you had to make that decision. You were supposed to be on that mission, I brought you. I lied and said Steve did a last minute change. You just, you looked so determined to prove yourself and I hated the disappointment on your face when he said no. I put your life in danger, I almost got you killed, and I almost let my mind wander to a place it hasn't been since I met you. I've gotten my punishment from Fury and Steve, a month on probation or until they let it up. But I couldn't stand to see you beat yourself up over something that wasn't your fault. I thought you were ready without actual training and proper judgement. Please, forgive me. I can't handle the guilt that's eating me alive or your sorrow. I'm sorry."

She was stunned to say the least. Her own boyfriend, of course tried to cheer and hype her up. But that cost him his job and almost her life, she couldn't tell if she was mad or relieved. Maybe both. Hurt? She can't figure that one out yet.

"I—I don't know what to say, honestly," She told him truthfully, "I'm partly glad that this wasn't my fault, partly over the moon that you did this for me, yet I still feel guilty. Even if you did do this for me, I still couldn't prove myself as someone who can take care of their own battles. I just couldn't do it. I failed you. Everyone."

Great. Neither of them were getting anywhere with confession. They both felt like shit, torn up and trying to piece each other back together again. But they were failing, miserably. Bucky only had one thing in his mind that could cheer them both up, it couldn't fail.

"Let's just forget this." He softly smiled at her, bringing his hand up to caress her cheek, "Let's go lay down and watch some movies. I'll bring the food and stuff while you get changed, yeah? It'll be like old times, less stress and more sleep."

"I love sleep." She smiled back more brightly, wrapping her arms around his neck as he stood.

Carefully, he made sure that his arms were secured around her tight, bringing both of them to his room. It wasn't odd that she kept some of her clothes in his room, most times because she slept over a lot. He didn't mind though. He loved her company, even if she was only there to collect something.

"I'll be back, doll." He kissed her forehead tenderly before laying her down gently, "Get comfortable and change, pick whatever show or movie you want."

She kissed him properly before turning over, relishing in his sheets before making an attempt to move. The chuckle that rumbled from his throat sent butterflies to her stomach, making her blush and smile madly into his pillow. He always had this outstanding affect on her, sometimes it annoyed her to death at the wrong times.

After she changed and he got the snacks, they both laid up together in his bed. Never ending blankets covered them both as Outer Banks played in the background. As soon as she got comfortable, she slept like a baby. Heavy but soft breaths left her as she snuggled further into his side, making sure to dig her face into his chest for warmth. He began playing with her ends again, further making her sink into a deep sleep.

"I'm sorry I risked your life like that, I don't deserve the kindness you showed me. I love you so much, doll. You'd never understand how far or wide it goes, but I'll try to show you as much as I can." He whispered, "I feel terrible. But I'll make it up to you, doll. I promise that."