traded my life [TWD]

『12』

"At what times do you feel most angry?"

I tap my fingers on the office chair. Mr. Jones, the therapist that I was being forced to see, was already on my nerves and I've only been here for five minutes.

"I don't know. When I get mad.. It just happens."

"This fight in school," he recounts. "What was it that pushed you over the edge? Was there a trigger that finally made you snap?"

"She was bullying me for awhile. After everything happened, it was just the final straw," I answer with honesty.

"Did you feel bad?"

"We're both back in school. She hasn't fucked with me. The only thing I regret is not doing it earlier."

"Did it ever cross your mind to tell a teacher?"

"Teachers don't give a shit about students. And students.. if you coward out and tattle, you're just gona get your ass handed to you even more."

"You speak of school life like it's a gang."

Might as well be. Kids had their cliques and groups. 

"Speaking of.."

Oh no..

"How have things been in that sense? Shane says you haven't offered asking where your old friends are."

"I'm supposed to be 'cleaning up my act', right? I'm doing that and yet you all ask why I'm doing that."

"I'm just making sure you're healing properly, Hyejin."

You're just looking for a check, asshole.

These sessions lasted an hour. Three times a week. Endurance was becoming my best friend.

--

"Hyejin, you remind me of Kim Possible," Carl decides.

"Thanks, bud," I mumble, resting my head against the window. 

"'Cause you did lots of crazy things and still are awesome!"

I was meeting Q in tomorrow. How? I hadn't figured that out. Maybe I could lie to Shane and go back to my house. He wouldn't believe that. I'd use that too many times.

"Oh, mom!" Carl remembers. "We're going on a field trip in a couple weeks. We're gonna get the slips today. Can you sign it when you pick us up?"

"We'll have to see, baby," Lori says in the driver's seat.

"What? You make it sound like I'm not going.." Carl frowns.

"Baby, your daddy's check isn't the best right now. And I have to go down to grandma's and help her before Christmas. Your daddy has to work."

Carl sighs and slumps into his booster seat.

I felt a lump in my throat like I wanted to cry.

I was so frustrated. Annoyed. Tired. Sad. God, I was so fucking sad.

For the first time, the car ride to school is silent.

Somehow, that made it even worse.

--

I cried myself to sleep last night.

I woke up before Shane and when he was finally up and going, I had two frozen spoons against my eyes.

"Some beauty routine?"he asks.

"Didn't sleep. This helps puffy eyes."

I wonder if depression was like this. Was this depression? I hated everything going on. I was so tired. I just wanted to find a dark hole and cry until I die.

"I um.." Shane begins, sitting down across from me at the table.

"Hmm?" I ask, looking up to him.

He must notice how red my eyes are from all the crying Maybe Lori told him about my behavior on the rides to school.

"You've been doing good, Hyejin. I see that you're trying. I really do."

I lower the spoons from my face, confused.

"Lori says you're being good on rides to school. Teachers say that you're good in class. Even Mr. Jones says you're opening up a lot in therapy now.."

Where the hell is this going?

He takes his wallet out. He counts about forty dollars and tosses it across the table to me.

"Take the day off. It's Saturday, you've already done your homework.. Just go have some fun."

I don't even touch the money. The hell was this? 

"Is this som-"

"It's not a test," he cuts me off- reading my mind.

"Then, what is it?"

"You're doing what is right. You're working really hard. I recognize that. So, you should, too."

Shane.. trusted me? My plans worked?

"Go," he urges. "Before I change my mind."

"Alone?" I question.

"I've gotta head to work, so yeah. Why? Am I making a mistake doing this?"

Probably.

I shake my head. and ease my hand to the money.

"Thank you.. Really," I say.

"Meet me at the station around five. We'll get dinner when my shift ends and come home."

I agree and hurry to grab my board. I shout another 'thank you' as I bolt out the door.