traded my life [TWD]

『38』

I stare up at the cross with wonder.

"Finding God?" Glenn asks.

I slump in the seat and huff. "Yeah, right."

He takes off his hat and also stares at the cross, Jesus' hanging body.

"I used to think religion was a social construct," I admit. "Just to keep assholes in line. Literally 'put the fear of God' in people."

"I see that," he agrees. "I've never prayed a day in my life."

"Do you think He listens to those that don't believe?"

"If we don't believe.. how can we assume there's even a 'He'?"

"If He is real.. what would you ask for?" I wonder, though I knew the answer. There was a reason we were regrouping in a church, after all.

"Sophia," he says, confirming my thoughts. "Things to just.. be better."

I pull my feet up in the pew and wrap my arms around them. "Jacqui thought that the world fell apart because of God's wrath. He was disappointed so he wanted a fresh start. Something about some guy named Noah and his boat.."

"Think I saw a cartoon about that," he recalls faintly. "Never put much thought to it, though."

"My Dad used to pray," I reveal. "When we first moved here from Busan.. I'd hear him every night whispering to himself. Praying for our lives to get better.. safer.."

"Did it work?"

"He got hunted down by some kkangpae and was stabbed thirty-seven times."

(trans. kkangpae = 'thug'/'gangster')

Glenn sighs and I feel his sympathy though he doesn't say anything.

"Besides, if God was real, I would've ignited into flames the second I walked through those doors," I joke. "Unholy as hell over here."

Glenn scoffs and punches my leg. "Not funny."

--

I rest my hands on Carl's shoulder from behind as Rick and Shane explain the next plan to find Sophia.

"You're splitting us up.. you sure?" Daryl wonders.

"Yeah, we'll catch up," Shane answers.

I eye the two men carefully. Did Rick know yet? Was this Shane's play of telling him?

"Need a third hand?" I ask.

"It's best for you to help Daryl get everyone back to camp. Daryl can track on the way and you can keep everyone together," Rick says.

I nod slowly, only hoping that things would be okay.

"I wanna stay, too," Carl speaks up. "I'm her friend."

Shane looks at Rick. Rick looks at Lori. Lori looks at me. I look at Shane.

"Fuck," I whisper under my breath.

"You can go if Hyejin goes," Lori decides- reading my mind. "Your daddy and Shane need to look for Sophia with full attention."

"Hyejin?" Carl asks, looking up at me.

I cut my eyes between Rick and Shane. Slowly, I turn my head to look at Lori, too.

"All right," I agree.

Lori gives me a knowing look. I realize then that her sending Carl with Rick and Shane was meant to avoid Shane telling Rick the truth. 

The group splits into two. I keep an arm around Carl and watch Daryl, Lori, Glenn, Andrea, and Carol walk into the woods.

"Give me a minute?" Rick asks.

I nod and tug Carl closer. Rick walks back into the church.

Shane walks to the side in a huff, trying to keep his bearings to himself.

"Is Shane mad at me?" Carl asks, looking up at me.

"What?" I question.

"Well.. just the other day we were catching frogs.. Now, he doesn't even look at me or talk to me."

Godammit Lori.

"We're all stressed. Shane is worried about everything. Sophia, the RV, a camp.."

"Feels like when Dad came back, he took Shane's leader role away."

"They're sharing it," I assure.

"Then.. how come we didn't go to Benning first? If we didn't go to the CDC, wouldn't Jacqui be alive?"

I swallow the knot in my throat. "I don't know, bud."

My chest stings with loss.

"Are you and Mom done being friends?" he adds.

His questions reminded me of when he was younger. He never stopped talking. He always had things to discover and figure out.

"No. Of course not," I say, though it was more than likely a lie.

Carl kicks at the dirt on the ground. "Do you believe in heaven?"

"I feel like I don't know enough about it to give a real answer," I confess. "I didn't read the bible. This was my first time stepping foot in a church."

Slowly, he nods. "I want to believe in it. My grandpa used to say that it was a magical place where everyone can be happy together."

"Don't have to die to be happy together, Carl," I assure, ruffling his hair. "We can be together and make each other happy just the same right here."

"Even though Jacqui, Amy, and Jim are dead? Even though Sophia is missing? Even though Morales and his family left?"

"We work with what we got," I decide. "And when we lose bits and pieces.. we just work with what is left."

Again, he nods. "That makes sense."

I smile softly, resting my hand back on his shoulder. Rick walks out of the church.

"Get what you needed?" Shane asks.

"Guess I'll find out," RIck says, walking away without another word.

I tug Carl in the direction after Rick and Shane follows behind us.