Made of Steel

43. Broken Inside

Cassandra Reid

I rush up the stairs and slam the door loudly before sliding my back against the door, tears spilling out uncontrollably.

What did I expect? An "I love you" back and making love until dawn?

I burst out laughing in the middle of crying.

Yes, that's exactly what I wanted and I was delusional to even think about it. I shouldn't have told him, it wasn't time yet. Or maybe... I should have said it much sooner.

It's not the fact he doesn't love me "because I'm sure he has feelings for me", it's his refusal to open up and accept it. And it hurts, it hurts me the same way. It is as if an earthquake had passed through my body, opening cracks in my skin until it reached every organ. Broken inside would be a good definition.

Suddenly, intense nausea invades me and I run to the bathroom, feeling how life falls apart in a matter of seconds. Trembling, I move to bed to tuck myself into a fetal position and I do not get out of there all day.

Vivi knocks on the door and I dismiss her quickly, refusing to eat any kind of food. From here inside I can hear kids's noise, but I can only think that the Italian has not shown any signs of life.

What if he breaks the contract?

Will he keep me away from the children?

'No', I refuse to believe that, he promised me. However, nothing will be as before. I will not live with them anymore, Fede will never call me mom and we will stop being a family.

Will he marry another woman?

I don't sleep a wink all night, torturing myself with my own thoughts and in the morning, sickness is logically greater than yesterday. Literally speaking, I feel like a coffin buried several meters underground.

My parents have never loved me and my best friend is dealing with her own problems. With Adriano I came to feel like a real family, I still do. At his side I feel important, necessary, loved...

I have spent years locked up, longing for a freedom which would never come. I fled and made my life far from the past, I got rid of chains and even so, I didn't find what I was looking for... until I met Adriano Di Lauro. Then, I realized no matter the confinement I was subjected to by my parents or my ex-fiancé, I had been my own worst jailer.

I have never allowed myself to show the world how I really am. Even I didn't know who I was and I was stuck in an empty and lonely childhood. However, my husband came to bring out not only the Cassandra hidden inside her, but the best version of herself.

How can I not fall in love? What was he up to? That I turned into a stone statue so I wouldn't feel?

A pang in the center of my head hits me without warning, and exhaustion begins to take its toll. Then, my cell phone's sound breaks the silence as if it were a loud noise.

I check notifications and I feel my heart break a second time until it turns to pieces.

'Thank you for giving him to me tonight. You are already learning how things work. Good morning, Mrs. Di Lauro'

Message is attached to a photo of my husband and his colleague, both half-naked and looking sleepy.

Is this why he left? To take refuge in another woman's panties? And it had to be her... Carina Fabri, the woman who has been bugging me since the day we started this fake marriage.

My stomach twists painfully and skin on my face turns red to raw from tears. My eyes feel tiny and they burn so much that I have a hard time opening them.

I'm not even mad. Disappointment and regret overshadows all other emotions.

If he slept with her, we are done.

With a great effort I get out of bed to get under hot shower. I rub the skin with dedication and rinse my face again and again. When I manage to calm down, I go out to change into a sexy outfit and cover my haggard appearance under several layers of makeup.

I will not let him see me defeated. I've lost my heart, but never my dignity.

I'm not longer the Cassandra Reid I used to be before meeting him. I've grown up and now he will have to answer before me.

I won't be a wife of lies anymore, because now I'm the Woman of Steel and he will have to choose loving me or just let me go.