𝒐𝒓𝒑𝒉𝒊𝒄||Regulus Black

02

<Regulus>

Hours pass by
Moments differ
Seconds cry while the sun gets settled
The moon outshines the stars but his light was only ever stolen
The two stars become one and now he's broken

I held the lighter to my mouth, watching the flame as it swinged harmlessly until I highered it to the cigarette between my teeth and it ignited with a few huffs of smoke twirling around me in various shapes

Those cigarettes were horrible but they're the only ones I could manage to get before mother noticed

I had caught a habit of smoking over the summer; of course the idea of smoking wasn't completely new to me as Sirius always smoked around the house, but now that he's gone, it's the only thing that reminded me of him, the only part of him that's left

I took a rather large drag, loving how the smoke embraced my lungs in a pleasant way; it gave me a sense of comfort and security.

Part of me feels relieved about Sirius' escape. Back then, I thought of it as the most selfish thing a person can do, but with the current circumstances; I understood him.

When Sirius left, mother finally noticed me; it's like Sirius was the sun, and when the sun goes down, you can't help but notice the stars.

I glanced at the thin, bloody scar that ran on my forefinger 'till it reached the tip of my veins. I hated most of my scars, or at least the one they gave me, but those were mostly drawn on my back; I was responsible for the rest.

The scars on my flesh would eventually heal and go away.
But what about the scars on my mind? The scars of my soul?
What would heal them?

What would? So I could do it at any cost.

 What would erase every look my father gave me that radiated with blame and hate?

I sighed at my thought process. How dumb was I to think that there's a way out of this.

I've always been fascinated by blood , the way it ran ever so smoothly , the way the pain took over me , it made me stronger, to get high on the pain , to accept it with a blank face , closed eyes, and a stoned heart

I accepted it because I believed that I deserved it.

I felt like I'd lost a part of my soul when I lost Sirius, I tried contacting him several times, sending all sorts of letters but a tiny mistake as that would bring me great pain and it's not like he even answered them at all so eventually... I stopped

The feeling of emptyness overcomes me; my body feels numb like my soul just evaporated, leaving me insensible like a rusty machine.

And don't even get me started on my mind ,

It's like a prison where memories are being trapped in cages of thoughts drowning all together in a haze of poison-filled sunshine where all the stars meet during an eclipse.

I looked down at the diary in my hands, observing how the ink was absorbed by each parchment spreading unevenly. I turned the pages, looking at each date, recalling the worst memories.

August 1975, It has been a month since Sirius left.

"No, Sirius, please don't leave." I begged, "Please don't leave me " I felt the hot tears falling down my face. "You're all I have. Please don't leave me," I screamed in agony, falling on my knees and begging my older brother as he turned to look at me disappointment filling his features. "You're a coward," Sirius spat. "You're no longer a brother of mine, you pureblooded git!" Then suddenly the whole room around me faded, and Sirius' figure was replaced by my parents "you do not bring that filthy name again!" My father cried while my mother sat across the room on her usual chair, uninterested "No!" I yelled, feeling a harsh sting on my back, followed by another and another

I woke up breathing heavily; my pillow was drenched in tears.

relief filled me when i realized it was a dream but the memories of the last part haunted me, sending shivers down my spine

I tried to resume my sleep, but on closing my eyelids, they burned. I rubbed them rather harshly and that only made the pain even worse, resulting in more tears burning down my face

The thing is , I blamed it all on myself.
I blamed myself for Sirius leaving.
I blamed myself for being my parents disappointment
and more importantly,
I blamed myself for not being an enough reason to make Sirius stay

Days were becoming more and more harder and my will to live was dangerously low

I was spending most of my days locked in my room.
as if I were bedridden, not speaking a word to anyone gazing up at the ceiling like it was the solution for everything

I formed a simple friendship with a house elf called Kreacher; he was loyal to the black family and kind to me, and days after days he became the one responsible for me. I held great sentiments for him

Once i heard kreacher muttering to himself
"What had he ever done to deserve this? What had he ever done to deserve all this pain?" I assumed he was talking about Sirius, but then he added, "Poor master Regulus." I wanted to shout at him to scream and let all my anger on him but the small creature wasn't responsible for anything but serving me

Turning on the shower, I stripped out of my clothes, letting the water wash away all the pain.

blood mixed water began to slide down my hands as yesterday's scars were not fully healed

But the scars remained on my body as a reminder, a reminder of all the pain I'm through, a reminder of everything that was happening, and mostly a reminder that I was under control; at least I could give myself that.

⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾ ⋆⁺₊⋆ ☁︎

Well, isn't he a ray of sunshine?

vote.