Outside, a light sprinkle had dampened the sidewalk, filling the air with the scent of rain. Robert and I strolled, side by side, silent, until he asked, "Do you want to talk about it?"
I shook my head, "Talk about what? She's dead. I'm never going to see her again. She'll never see me get married, have kids..."
"Is she the first person you've lost?"
Nodding, I muttered, "Yeah."
My great-grandparents were gone before I could even remember them. All of my life, it had just been me, Mom and my grandparents.
Maybe it wasn't the most conventional family, but it was loving, and it had been mine.
And now, it's gone...
Robert sighed, "The first one always hits the hardest."
Quirking an eyebrow, I asked, "Who was your first?"
"My grandfather."
"How'd he die?"
His voice was soft as he answered, "Heart attack."
"Heart attack?"
Looking ahead, he explained, "He was also a lawyer, and from what I've been told, he worked ungodly hours for most of his adult life. Of course," he chuckled, "the smoking and the drinking didn't help matters. One night, it all caught up to him, and he keeled over in his office. His secretary found him slumped over his desk the next morning."
"That's grim," I muttered.
A slight grin formed on his lips, "I've long believed that he was an excellent example for how to not live your life."
"You don't exactly sound like you miss him."
Robert shrugged, "Truth be told, I don't."
Curiosity had me turning to look at him, "Then why did his death hit the hardest?"
"Because it was the first time that I was faced with the fact that I was going to die someday too."
I said nothing, mulling this over as we walked.
He continued, "I just remember it absolutely knocking the wind out of me, and I wasn't the same afterward."
"So, how did you get through it? What happens now?"
"Now?" Robert paused, considering his words, "now you live your life."
Stopping in my tracks, my anger flared, and I demanded, "How?"
"One day at a time."
I scoffed, "Look, that's easy for you to say-"
"Well-"
Narrowing my eyes, I glared, "Your grandfather was a man you fully admit you didn't like - I lost my grandmother," shaking my head, I swallowed, "That woman helped raise me, she comforted me after nightmares, she was the shoulder I cried on-"
"I'm sorry, Hailey, I only-"
Too heated to stop, I kept going, "You're standing there, acting like you know how I feel, but you can't possibly know-"
"Hailey-"
"-I'm the reason she's dead!" I shouted, my fear, rage and self-loathing finally boiling over.
Robert froze, confused, "What?"
I felt my face crumple, tears springing up in my eyes as the truth fell off of my tongue, "I'm responsible! I should have been there that day! If I had, she'd still be here!"
"Hailey..." Robert's eyes widened as my words hit him.
"Yeah. I should have been there! I was supposed to be there, but, instead..." I looked away feeling the hateful truth on my lips.
"Listen-"
"No!" I cut him off, trying to make him understand, "She's dead because of me!"
Robert took a step back, regarding me with calculating eyes.
"So, do you blame your mother, too?"
What?
He crossed his arms, challenging me, "She was there, wasn't she?" He asked, "So was her father - by your logic, he's also responsible."
"The fuck are you talking about?"
If my language bothered him, he didn't show it.
"I'm saying that if you could have been there to save her, then so could they. If you're at fault for her death, then they are too."
Tears pricked my eyes.
"But-"
His eyes met mine, solemn and sad, "Death does not come when it's convenient, Hailey. It just comes."
Scowling, I swiped my hand across my cheeks.
Sighing, Robert looked into the distance, "Listen... there's something that I've never told anyone, something I've been too ashamed to share, but I'm going to tell you now."
Curiosity caught me by surprise, "What?"
Taking a breath, he looked down at me, "I was in the bathroom when Helen passed."
"What?"
He shook his head, "She'd been fading all day - the hospice nurses knew that it was coming soon, and I'd stayed by her bedside for hours. I wanted to be there when-" he paused, swallowing, "-when she died, but... well, biology had other ideas."
"I could have beat myself up about it," he continued, "Could have hated that she passed without me, called myself the worst husband in the world."
"But you didn't?"
He smiled, "I did, for a while, but then I realized that, even if I wasn't there, in the room, by her side when she passed, she still knew."
"Knew what?"
"Knew that I loved her - that I'd loved her from our first date, and that I was going to love her for as long as I lived."
I was silent, unsure of what to say.
"Your grandmother knew, too."
"Hmm?"
"She knew that you loved her."
"I guess," I mumbled.
"You guess?" Robert scoffed, "You wouldn't be this broken up if you didn't adore her - and I guarantee that the feeling was mutual."
I felt the beginnings of a faint, almost imperceptible smile, "Yeah."
"I thought so." He turned, eyeing the church in the distance, "Now, if your grandmother had heard all that nonsense you were just spouting, what would she say to you?"
"She'd tell me to stop being foolish." I paused, adding, "She'd also tell me to go hug Grandpa Curtis."
Robert smiled, "She sounds like a wise woman. Ready to go back to the reception?"
"Yeah," I breathed, feeling lighter than I had in a week.
As he began to walk away, I said, "Hey, Robert?"
"Hmm?"
Catching up to him, I wrapped my arms around him in a tight hug.
"Thanks."
With the reception winding down, church ladies cleaning up in the kitchen, Robert sat with Grandpa Curtis and Mom, sipping coffee and apologizing for his son.
"I mean, that's the thing, isn't it? You try your best to raise your kids to be honest, decent people, but..." he sighed, "it doesn't always take. I just - I don't know where we went wrong with him."
Grandpa Curtis sipped his coffee, "I've met enough people in my time to know that some people, they just come out rotten, just mean down to the bone, and no amount of parenting or psychiatry or Jesus could set them straight."
Robert swirled his cup, nodding, "I don't want to think ill of my own flesh and blood, but, well, looking at what he did, it's hard to reach any other conclusion."
"Still," Curtis met Robert's gaze, "what you're doing for Hailey and Denise? It goes a long way toward making up for it. I mean, the child support is one thing, but the college fund? It's a big thing you're doing for her."
Robert shrugged, "We did the same thing for Ellie - it's only fair that Hailey gets equal treatment."
Ellie?
Confusion filled the air.
Sighing, Robert muttered, "Right - he lied about telling you. I swear, nothing Robbie said about you was true - I'm still getting used to that."
Glancing around the table, I spoke up, "Who's Ellie?"
Robert's eyes met mine, "Your half-sister."
Surprise flooded my mind.
Excuse me?
"She's... thirteen?" His brow creased with thought, "I think she just had her thirteenth birthday. Sweet kid, sharp as a tack." His expression grew pensive, "I hope you get to meet her someday."
"Someday?"
He frowned, "When Robbie finds out about the inheritance change, he's going to be less than pleased with all of us. I doubt that he'd let you meet with her - and, well, as long as she's a minor, he technically gets to make that call."
Curtis asked, "You haven't told him yet?"
Shaking his head, Robert explained, "I wanted the paperwork to be finalized first. We're still waiting on a couple things."
"Well," Mom cleared her throat, "I'm sure that'll be a fun conversation."
Robert looked abashed, "I'm sorry. I promise, I didn't come over here to be a downer."
Curtis shook his head, "I hate to break this to you, Robert, but the rest of us aren't exactly rays of sunshine right now."
"Okay, how about a happier topic?" Turning to me, Robert said, "Graduation has to be coming up soon, right?"
I nodded, realizing, "It's next week."
"That's exciting - any plans?"
"Um," Mom looked at me, "Well, Mom wanted to throw a little get-together, but..." her words trailed off, letting the silence fill in the blanks.
Robert's face fell, realizing that he'd accidentally stumbled upon another gloomy subject. Frowning, he stared down into his coffee.
"What if I hosted?"
All eyes went to Robert.
"Nothing big, just a cookout at my house? I could even get the firepit out and we could eat on the patio?"
"Um," Mom glanced at Grandpa Curtis, who shrugged and nodded, "yeah? That- that actually sounds really nice, thank you."
"Wonderful! I'll touch base with you later and we can hash out the details?"
"Definitely!" Mom replied, looking brighter than I'd seen her in days.
