happiness begins [joe jonas]

18

Joe was struggling. He would never admit to anyone how bad it was. But the truth was, his head was all over the place.

His mental health had never been too great. After the split of the band, he struggled to realise what this meant for his relationship with brothers. And now, many years on, he was only getting worse.

For a while now, he had acted as if everything was normal. He had finally found a band where he could truly be himself. And he loved it. He loved that he could be comfortable with the people surrounding him, with who he truly wanted to be. But in his head, it was nothing but a charade. In his mind, he felt lost. He absolutely loved DNCE. The band had given him the confidence he needed to be able to create the music that spoke to him. He could be whoever he felt in this band. But there was a growing part of him that still felt empty.

Recently, he hadn't been able to write songs as good as he used to. It was as if everything around him was falling apart. Without the music, the band would never work. He didn't want to be the reason another band hadn't worked out.

Comparing himself to his brothers, Joe felt like a failure. Although he was far from it. But he refused to believe that his brothers weren't doing so much better than he was. And it played on his mind constantly. He could never escape the feeling of not being good enough. No matter how much he tried to prove himself.

Nick and Kevin were actually happy with their lives. And no matter how much Joe tried to pretend he was too, he was quietly falling apart.

Joe would sit alone, in his overpriced penthouse apartment that he secretly hated. He hated the way that it didn't feel like home. To him, it was empty space, that he chose to spend time in every now and again. It was a space that brought him to his thoughts. He couldn't help but overthink when he was alone.

The truth was, he had only told Emmie the bare minimum of his problems. As much as he trusted her, it wasn't fair to dump his problems on her. Especially when she was going through something so life changing. He figured, he would be able to solve his own problems. But so far, it was only getting worse.

Another problem, was being in the spotlight. Because he was well known, he had to keep the perfect image. He knew how bad it would look on him if the world knew he was struggling mentally. It would ruin him. So pretending that everything was okay, became a habit for him.

But alone, that's when everything came crashing down. Joe would spend hours, spaced out as he convinced himself he was never good enough. And he believed it.

Joe was scared. He was scared things would get so bad that he wouldn't be able to control his feelings anymore. And he didn't know how to communicate. He didn't know how to call out for help, without sounding pathetically weak.

The days he spent alone were dull. And the nights were even worse. He would lie awake for hours, wondering why he felt the way he did. Why he had chosen to be so terrible to his brothers once the band split. He tried to convince himself it was a 'heat of the moment' type thing. But to him it was much more.

He hated the way he had abandoned them. Nick had chosen to leave the band for his own good, and Joe had chosen to hold that against him.

It was all he could think about. Why was he such a terrible brother?

He wanted to be the perfect big brother to Nick. He wanted to be the best younger brother to Kevin. But he had no idea how. He had burnt those bridges with them when he had stormed out of the room all those years ago. He had been fuelled with anger and never looked back. And now he regretted it. But now was too late.

The mental battle he would face was indescribable. Some days he would think so hard that he became short of breath. All the stress and the worries would tighten in his stomach, and it would all become too overwhelming for him. Joe had suffered from panic attacks from a young age. His first noticeable one was during his solo career, after releasing Fastlife. One of his first solo shows, on tour.

He stood there, moments before his entrance, freaking out inside. His breathing had become harsh, his eyes darted around, looking for something to ground himself. But he had no control over his emotions. His hands were shaking, and he couldn't stop the way his lungs gasped for air that wasn't there. It had taken a while to calm down from this, and hours after the show, he was still shaken up.

Joe had no idea what had happened that day. He was still unsure why it he had acted the way he did. But that didn't stop it from happening again.

Some nights he would lean over the bathroom sink, his knuckles white from gripping the edges too hard, as he stared at the horrid reflection in the mirror, tears pooling in his eyes, threatening to spill. He would stand there, wondering what he could do to make everything right.

He would give anything to go back in time and be there for his brothers. He would do it a million times over.

His only distraction was Emmie. She was the one who made him feel anything else but sadness. With her, he was able to forget about anything that bothered him. She brought back the joy he once used to feel. That was the reason he cherished her so much.

She gave him the inspiration to feel something other than the pain he couldn't escape. She gave him something else to think about, other than the multiple problems he had circling his mind. She gave him hope. Hope that one day everything would go back to normal. The normal he once used to feel.

But she was fighting her own battles. And she needed him more than he needed her. He wanted to be there for her. He wanted to be the person she could rely on when things fell apart. And he knew he could be. He just needed to put his own problems aside.

If he couldn't be the perfect brother to Kevin and Nick. Then he would he the perfect friend for Emmie. He would help her through the bad times, whilst helping himself find happiness once more.

a/n: are we ready for some drama? :)