Red Owl Vs Blue Raven

Red vs. Bleu

The Reds and Blues are not shooting at each other. Sarge is addressing Lillith.

Sarge: We are giving you a chance to surrender!

Grif: There's no way this bluff is gonna work.

Sarge: Put a cork in it, Fast Eddie. There's positively no way they know we're outta ammo.

Cut to the Blues.

Lillith: Yeah, they're definitely outta ammo... (yells back) What're your terms?!

Tucker: Their what?

Cut to the Reds.

Grif: Our what?

Simmons: I can't believe this is actually working. See if we can get Lopez back, Sarge.

Grif: Oh yeah. 'Cause then he can fix the Warthog.

Donut: Oo oo, Sarge - tell them we want the flag.

Grif: Yeah, and some cake!

Donut: Ooh... Wait wait Sarge, just the cake.

Hunter: I'm sold on this cake now.

Sarge: Alright, Blues! First off! We want your flag-!

Eda: Wait wait wait just a second. The last time we got the flag, the chick in the black armor showed up.

Sarge: ...to stay right where it is! Keep the flag! But we do want our mechanized droid guy back!

Church: Uh oh.

Sarge: You may know him as Señor El Roboto!

Cut to the Blues.

Tucker: Well, Church, what's it gonna be?

Church: Chingado, no way. I'm not giving back my body. I just got this thing.

Sarge: And don't think you can keep his nuts! Or bolts, or other mechanical parts you may have!

Eda: Or his switch! I'm looking at you Lillith!

Lillith: The hell dose that mean.

Church: Uh.. Uh, he's not here any more!

Tucker: Yeah, he left! He was all like "Sayonara!" and then he just took off!

Church: That's not Spanish you idiot, that's French. Let's try this: Hey, Reds! How about a medic?! Would you take a medic and nurse as a hostages?!

Willow: A hostages? But we're supposed to go over there.

Cut to the Reds.

Simmons: Meh, that sounds pretty good to me.

Grif: I don't know, I think we can hold out for more.

Eda: We don't have any bullets, dumbass.

Amity: I just have one clip left.

Grif: Oh, right. Take the nurse medic. Those are a good deal.

Cut to the Blues.

Church: Hey, Doc. How's the patient?

Doc: Doing well. She seems very alert and responsive.

Tucker: He's talking about Caboose, right?

Church: No, I mean her toe. How's the toe I shot?

Doc: What, that thing? That fell off like half an hour ago.

Caboose: (sad) Rest in peace, pinkie toe... (in O'Malley voice) You shall be avenged!

Luz evil voice: Thanks Church! Here's something for you! (Shoots a full clip of shock rounds)

Church: FUCK! (Falls to the ground)

Doc: (sighs) Tell you what... Go ahead and send me over. I really don't think we can be any more help.

Lillith: Okay! We're gonna send over our medic! Now what do we get?!

Simmons: You?! You're surrendering! You don't get anything except humiliation and ridicule!

Tucker: We've already got that! What else do you have?!

Luz: Woah really?

Tucker: I am just telling the truth.

Sarge: What do you want?!

Lillith: How about if you admit that the Red Team sucks?! Or just Eda sucks!

Eda: Oh fuck you Lillith!

The Reds mutter to themselves for a moment.

Sarge: What if we admit that one of us sucks?!

Grif: NICE. Wait, you mean Donut, right?

Gus gets out of the base.

Gus: What the hell is going on!?

Tucker: Hey where were you during the whole fight.

Gus: I was work on something but I'm still work on her.

Luz: Her?

Screen blacks and shows "two hours later" in white letters, then returns to the Blues.

Church: Okay then! We agree to the terms?! You first, and then we send over the nurse and medic!

Sarge: Get on with it, Grif. Sorry Eda.

Eda: You own me big time.

Grif: (grunting sigh) I would just like to let everyone know.. that I suck!

Church: And?!

Grif: And that I'm a girl!

Church: What else!?

Grif: And I like ribbons in my hair! And I want to kiss all the boys!

Sarge: This may be the best surrender of all time.

Lillith: Now for Eda!

Eda: I want everyone to know that I suck more then Grif! And that I am lousy shoot! Lastly Lillith is way more hotter then my ugly ass!

Lillith: That was the best thing I have every listen to.

Simmons: Okay, was that good enough?!

Church: Yeah! (turns to Willow and Doc) Alright, go ahead Doc. Willow.

Doc runs over to the Reds.

Grif: Man, I really hope you're worth this.

Eda: Yeah.

Doc: Can I ask you a question? Do they put something in the water here?

Grif: Water? We ran outta water six months ago.

Willow: No water.. Then what do you drink?

Grif: Uh, you know, ketchup, uh, soy sauce, gravy, the usual.

Sarge: I only drink the blood of my enemies. And occasionally a strawberry Yoo-hoo. Or a Sarsaparilla. Grenadine, straight from the can. Deeelicious. ...Oh, occasionally I do enjoy a 'Sex on the Beach.' Or a piña colada. (singing) If you like piña coladas, hengh! Gettin' caught in the rain, hengh! And you're not in to yoga, engh! Grif just has half a brain, ungh.

Hunter: I had a alcohol stash but well I don't anymore.

Willow: Why not?

Amity: Because he became a alcoholic for a bit and we had to chain him up. Then get rid of the drinks.

Simmons: He almost claw my eyes out.