Naruto: The Seraph Project

Chapter 80: Memory Gap

TW: Eating Disorders

With all my strength, I fight against the urge to vomit and expel the meagre mouthfuls I've swallowed. With disgust, I stare at my meal. Uselessly, I twirl my chopsticks; I play with my food more than I eat it. There's not much, but this platter is like an all-you-can-eat buffet that makes me green. Even the once pleasant smells make me sick. Instead, I feel like I'm looking at a dish of rotten, mouldy seafood and fish. My throat is excruciatingly tight. Each grain of rice struggles to make its way into my sick and useless stomach. Also, reading the report didn't help me. A gigantic ball presses against my stomach, which is making incessant gurgling noises.

I can't be difficult. I have to swallow it all whether I like it or not. Otherwise, I will stay in this hospital for as long as I'm unable to eat properly. This week in bed accentuated my thinness even more. The IVs don't allow me to gain weight either. I let out a long, painful sigh. I wish I had a craving; I could devour it all in a few seconds, freeing myself from this exhausting chore...

Footsteps approach my room. I pull my mask up before the door opens. It's the nurse from earlier. Based on her disapproving and rather severe expression, I expect to be scolded.

"You haven't finished yet?" Her voice is dry and she seems surprised. She comes to my bedside. "Are you eating or are you pretending?"

Ashamed, I look away. "I'm my best," I justify myself with a faint voice. "My stomach is horribly upset. I want to regurgitate everything I swallow..."

She lets out a sigh and hands me a small container filled with an unidentified pink substance.

"What is this?" I ask as I grab it.

"Something to help you. It's an anesthetic meant to freeze your stomach to combat your nausea. Due to your drug resistance, we have increased the dosages we usually administer to patients. You will suffer from some nasty migraines tonight."

"I see... Not like I had a choice." I take a deep breath and swallow the medicine with its vile, bitter taste in one go. However, I gag between swallowing. I hasten to slam a hand over my mouth. I'm dizzy. I fight my own body, which seeks to throw up this viscous liquid at all costs. I have almost no feeling in my tongue, mouth and esophagus. I want to throw up like crazy. I swallow an acid reflux, then another...

"Breathe calmly, Mr. Hatake. If you throw it up, it won't work."

'No kidding,' I fume to myself.

I close my eyes, focus on my breathing and nothing else. It isn't the first vomit attack I've had. With my worrying cravings, I learned to keep everything within myself. My cold extremities are frozen; I'm shivering. I bet I'm as pale as a ghost. Nevertheless, I win against the painful urge to vomit.

"Have you lost feeling in your mouth or throat?"

I nod slowly, removing my shaking hand from my face.

"Good. Some oral treatments still have effects on you. Allow a few minutes to act," she explains to me, taking notes. "However, don't depend on medication for your meals. This is a temporary solution."

"As expected..."

"I'll come back to see you a bit later. Lord Hokage demands that you eat every last crumb."

I nod, sighing as she leaves my room. I'm reassured; I'm not invulnerable to all medications. My nausea, which is gradually subsiding, convinces me of this. Food and smells still disgust me. However, I will be able to eat when my stomach of misfortune stops its hunger strike. I don't want to, but I don't have the right to choose.