For much of his life, Takumi has not been in control of things. His family, the things which took place at school, even his own emotions- Takumi has never been able to hold things firmly in his grasp and assure himself that they will turn out as he wishes. It’s been a constant source of anxiety and, true to his own nature, instrumental in developing his crutch.
Food is in Takumi’s control. Eating what he wants, when he wants to, however much he likes- it’s finally something he can control, and Takumi revels in that fact. He never thought of himself as a foodie and growing up in such an athletic family had mostly instilled a fear of fatness into his life.
Takumi popped a strawberry into his mouth, chewing slowly and closing his eyes. Fresh picked were always best, but in this cold season, he would take what he got. Still, the fruits were full of bite, firm rather than that awful mushy that accompanied most winter fruits, and Takumi peeled the leaves away from another to pop it into his mouth.
The first few pounds had him shaking. The extra workouts only made him more hungry, and with a growing appetite, Takumi couldn’t stomach eating campus food over and over and over again. Frozen was out of the question- while the food offered in the dining halls were far from healthy, there were options to keep Takumi from feeling like he was cheating on the diet he had been raised on. Frozen things, however, shattered the illusion, and thus Takumi had to learn how to cook on his own.
Inevitably, it had been his undoing. While Takumi could hold tight to this portion of his life he controlled, the decision to eat what he wanted, when he wanted, seasoned however he liked- it was clear that this power of choice wasn’t mixing well with his all-consuming desire to eat more. Soon, even with the frequent trips to the gym, Takumi’s shirts began to tighten and his pants refused to close. He cursed men’s clothing for being so unforgiving, but relented and moved a size up on the charts.
It was normal, he told himself, baking a sheet of brownies he knew he would have to finish himself. Everyone in college gained weight- it was part of filling out. He reasoned his metabolism must have simply dropped off too soon, too easily blaming what had to be his own faulty genetics rather than accepting that he was possibly indulging just a bit too much.
The carton of strawberries was pushed away, Takumi grabbing a bag of powdered donuts Leo had left behind the night previous. Sure he had started off strict, eating ‘healthy’ items to trick himself into thinking this wasn’t as bad as it was, but that had been months ago- years even? Time flew a little too fast for his liking, but instead of the usual chest-filling anxiety, Takumi simply returned to his preferred method of coping.
A coping mechanism gone wrong, or in Leo’s eyes, gone right. Takumi had become passive with his gaining, ignoring the change of his body shape in favor of allowing his new love to indulge himself. Sure, Takumi had started himself on this path, but as is common in the story of feeder and feedee, Leo was instrumental in his acceptance.
Leo taught Takumi that being fat was nothing to be ashamed of. Leo stood up for Takumi in the face of his family’s jokes and concerns, and Leo helped show Takumi how to find control in his life. Takumi’s binge eating could be seen as a lack of control in some, with crumbs and empty packages lying around the kitchen like a pack of ravenous toddlers had torn through stealing after-school snacks, but Leo could see the method behind Takumi’s madness and helped reinforce it.
“You aren’t supposed to be finishing that yet,” Leo chided from the kitchen doorway, causing Takumi to jump in his seat. Before him was a cheesecake, slices the size of his fists missing and only half a pie still calling out to him, and Takumi flushed.
“You’re not my boss,” Takumi muttered, deciding to stare intently at the dessert before him rather than his boyfriend, “I can make another. It’s not like we’re poor.”
“Yes, but you told me to remind you not to eat the entire thing in one go- not unless I was watching, from what I remember you saying,” Leo hummed, entering the kitchen with lithe steps before pulling out the other chair and joining Takumi.
“As I said, I’ll make another,” Takumi huffed, now turning completely away from Leo. Yes, even this lack of control Takumi allowed himself was refreshing, something he could stop whenever he pleased, but he was so looking forward to giving himself any excuse not to. And of course, Leo was oh so good at supplying those excuses.
“Well… I’m watching now,” Leo folded his hands, resting his chin atop them, “No one said you had to stop.” Takumi spun back too fast, betraying his excitement at Leo’s interest, and pulled the dish closer once more.
