Maybe There's No Mistakes..

•sixty nine•

The loud repetitive honk of a car alarm somewhere on the street below us woke me up not long after we had booth fallen quickly to sleep. I had forgotten how noisy the city really was, it was so quiet at night back at home. I missed home... it was a concept that I had forgotten about for a long time. The feeling of home...

All the packing and sorting and cleaning had really made me realize I was making the right decision. There was nothing about this place that still held any sense of comfort to me anymore. I love this city, and it will always have a piece of my heart and will definitely always be a special place in our relationship, but it's not where my heart really is anymore. Austin was right. Those mountains are magic, and there's nowhere I want to be more than back in our house, nestled between them.

For once Austin and I were not completely tangled up together in this bed and it made it a hell of a lot easier to slip out from under the blanket and creep out onto the terrace for a cigarette and a little fresh air. My dreams had me completely fucked up.

I quietly clicked the door shut and climbed into the nearest chair, the tips of my toes hanging off the edge of the cushion as I rested my chin on my knees and lit the cigarette between my lips. I closed my eyes for a second as the car alarm finally shut off and the more muted sounds of traffic, that never really stopped here, surrounded me. Like urban white noise. It seemed foreign that it used to lull me to sleep.

As soon as my eyes were closed all I could see was the little boy that filled my dreams. He was so adorable, but suddenly so grown up. Dark headed, with golden brown eyes just like Colton's, his nose too. A bit longer and pointier than my own, and that damn cowlick right above his left eyebrow, just like his as well. He only has my hair and the faintest hint of a sprinkling of freckles like mine across his face. He's grown up in my dreams now. A little boy. No longer the baby I carried in my arms in every dream I had for years. I don't know when he grew up, but recently he's always a little boy, not my baby anymore. The thought of him no longer being my baby even in my dreams had my eyes stinging with tears. I never knew dreams would grow up as well, I assumed he would always be the sweet warm bundle of blankets in my arms that he always was.

He talked to me now. Never much, always just telling me he loved me before he faded away and I woke up. Tonight was different, and I cursed that stupid car alarm for waking me, because he wouldn't be back tonight. It never worked like that. Once he was gone, he wouldn't be back until the next night, if I was lucky.

We were walking to a park. If I'm not mistaken it was the park in Cottonwood that Austin and I had just walked past before we left for here. The thought of him being home with us there gave me such comfort. It was the first time he had been THERE in my dreams, and he was home now. He was with me again. His little fingers were laced between mine and he was skipping and tugging on my arm to get me to walk faster. We had just gotten to the little gate in the fence, there were other kids playing. I could hear their laughter. He pulled me down to his eye level, cupped my face in his sweet little hands and told me "I love you. I'm so happy for us momma.." and turned and ran onto the playground. It was the first time he had ever left me in a dream, and I would be lying if I wasn't terrified it was him leaving me for good. I woke before I could follow him onto the playground. I felt a tear slide down my cheek. I'm so glad he's happy, but I'm not ready for him to be gone. Please God, Bree, mom... who ever is putting him in my dreams... don't take him from me yet. Not again. I didn't know I would be able to watch him grow up, even if it's just in my dreams. He's still so little. He still needs me. I still need him.

I just sat with my eyes closed for long enough that the cigarette in my finger burned me out of my trance, the hot cherry getting too close to my limp fingers holding it. I had barely smoked any of it, being lost in my thoughts and trying desperately to bring his face back into my head as clearly as it was when he had held me just inches from his own. Trying to bring back the feeling of his slightly sweaty little hands on my cheeks. Wishing more than anything I could remember his little voice more clearly, and wondering if it would really sound that sweet. I opened my eyes and pulled a second cigarette out of the pack I had brought out here. I dropped the burnt out butt into the ashtray as I pressed the other one to my lips and lit it. I heard the slide of the door opening behind me. It never takes him long to realize I'm missing.