Better Off Away (BOOK 2)(Wattys2016)

Moving On

I can only remember snippets of memories from when my father died. I remember that the walls of his hospital room were a sickening shade of tangerine. The color has always been my least favorite since then. I remember the way his hand went from clutching mine tightly to slowly loosening as the days went on, until finally, his palm lay wide open, no energy left to close it.  I remember how even then, even as it lay open and bare, I gripped it with all the strength a little four-year-old could. I remember how his breathing became labored and he had to work for each breath.

My mother would cry silently and kiss the crown of my head, whispering, "He's holding on for you, darling. Your father loves you so much, he can't let go."

At the time I didn't know better, I believed her. I believed that my father's palm flattened against his will, as the life slowly seeped out of him. My father was holding on to me until he was robbed of that ability.

But looking back I realize he wasn't holding on for me. I was holding on to him, I wasn't letting go. I kept him here even though he was in pain. Even though he was dying, I held him selfishly where I wanted him. And he felt obligated, because he loved me.

I can't do that again. I can't hold onto someone and make the wrong choices. I don't want to control anyone's feelings. I want those who love me to be free and I want those I love to choose to be free. I can't keep anyone captive again.

Not even Jack.

I can't chase him and until he comes after me, I'm going to move on.

***

The day after my trip to the Pier I check my email to find a reply from Max Creal, the Australian one.

Miss Littlefield,

I am in fact the son of Jeremiah Creel. I relocated to Australia after graduating college to start new. I haven't contacted my father or his family since. In fact, I was unaware that I even had a brother. I would very much like to be in contact with him if you wouldn't mind passing my email on to him.

Thanks much,

Max Creal

A sob catches in my throat. It's Max, his brother. I quickly send a reply to Max, just giving him Jack's email and then telling him I would no longer be able to help him find his brother. I can't interfere anymore and I must leave Max and Jack to find each other on their own now.

I've done what I can. And I hope that no one holds onto me – I'm far too selfish for their good. Jack should have better, he deserves better.

***

August comes rapidly, without a single word from anyone in New York  or Creal – Jack doesn't try to get in touch, Lola doesn't call or text and Max never responds again. I take the weeks to finalize my plans to move in with my Aunt for the fall semester of college. No one except Izzy and my family know I'm moving back to pursue writing and business, but I have to keep it that way for now.

When I'm not busy getting ready to move back or working at the ice cream parlor, I'm helping Gemma pack for France. Olive seems to disappear off the face of the earth, claiming she's helping her mom at the store they own. Larkin drops by nearly every time I'm there and each time I see him, I see the worry begin to drain from him. I can see him beginning to realize that I am actually moving on.

Moving on isn't what I thought it was. I'm different each day. I'm stronger and more determined than I ever was before and for the first time; I know exactly what I want: adventure. I don't want a planned out day, I want to live each moment on a whim. I don't need success; I just need simple things such as my family and friends.

I return home one night after helping Gemma narrow down her luggage to find my family all gathered around the table playing board games. They ask me to join them, but I decline, telling them I need to go to bed since I'm working early the next morning. Only one week and I'm leaving them. I can't believe I'm ending this summer the same way I started, but how different the two times are.

I get ready for bed and scroll through Instagram, trying to unwind. My phone rings, just as I'm about to plug it in to charge, Lola's face and name popping up on the screen. I answer it quickly, missing the sound of her voice.

"Lola! What have you been up to?"

"Oh, you know, world domination – the usual." There's a smile in her voice, but I can't help but hear an undertone of seriousness.

"Everything alright, Lola?" I ask, shifting so that I'm seated against the headboard of my bed.

"No, not really. And at the same time, things might be even better. I don't know." Now the sadness is evident in her voice. Maybe not sadness, but somberness.

"What is it, Lola? Is Jack alright?" I find myself clutching the sheets with my empty hand. He has to be alright.

"It's not Jack... It's his father. Jeremiah died this morning. I'm not sure how, but we were told that the program was being stalled as a result. We're all still here, but it's mass chaos. People have been coming in and out of the house all day. We've been sworn to secrecy – no one's supposed to know that he's dead."

Shock overtakes my body. Dead? Dead? Jeremiah is dead? "How? He seemed fine when I was there... He... How's Jack?"

"I don't know. I haven't seen him since it happened. They called off the wedding. Or, maybe postponed it, I'm not sure which." Lola pauses, emotion added to her voice. "I should be happy that such an evil man is dead, but somehow my emotions have decided to gang up on me and play a trick.  A man I knew has died and I think I actually feel grief."

"It's natural, Lola. I think I feel it too. It's sad when someone dies without having a chance to see the wrong in all they've done. I wish he could have had a chance to make things right with his son."

Lola sniffs loudly. "I have to go. We have dinner soon. I'll try to keep you updated, but they're watching us closely since it's still a big secret."

"It's okay, Lola. Don't risk the internship."

Jeremiah Creal, dead. It's crazy how news can be thrust upon you and you're physically the same, but inside there is a war of emotions. I can't help but think of Jack? Is he okay? Is he going to make it through this? What does it mean for his future?

I know he had issues with his father, but at the heart of everything he still loved him.

I wish I could be there, holding him in my arms, but I can't because I've made the decision. I don't want to control anyone's feelings.

I can't chase him and until he comes after me, I'm going to move on.

•••

A/N: Hope you liked this! I still need to edit parts, but I thought I'd give you a chapter anyway!

Love always, Samantha X