Behind the smiles

The Switch VI

Into battle indeed, James thought to himself as he continued walking ahead, trying to keep his posture straight even though he felt like slumping down again. That book. Those runes. It was about transfiguration, switching forms, and something to do with a mandrake root. Animagi. That's what it had been about. He, Sirius, and Peter were trying to figure it out. The book was the last straw since they seemed to be getting nowhere. Last night, they were about to give up. Sirius suggested checking out that one book first, just to leave no stone unturned. 

They couldn't tell anyone now. Not Dumbledore, not McGonagall, not even Slughorn. No one could know. Especially Remus. All they needed to do was find that book again and everything would work out.

James kept on walking, ignoring the eyes on him as he and his friends walked into the great hall.

"I don't know about you guys, but i'm starving!" Sirius smiled. The traditional Sirius smirk on Peter Pettigrews face. It was comical.

James turned around, having to look down awkwardly at his best friend. He and Sirius were the same height but now, Sirius was Peter. His voice, his face, everything was...off.

"I-I thought we w-were supposed to be acting?"

"Hush Peter, don't say we are, people might hear." James heard his own voice, uncharacteristically calm, whispering from behind them. "James, Sirius, please do try to keep a low profile." 

People were staring. James could feel their stares. Everything was too loud, too disorienting, too much.

He sat down. So did his three friends. Sirius and Peter immediately began eating. It looked, well, normal. He could act. Sure. He could pretend it was a normal Saturday morning. Except he was Remus, and Remus was him, and Sirius and Peter were just....this was just...it was wrong.

James decided to focus on food. He was starving! Wait. It was two days before the full moon. Remus was never hungry. It took a lot of coaxing to get him to eat anything at this point. Why was he, in Remus' body, hungry now? 

"Well...I'm starving. Re--James, how long was it since I last ate?" He looked pointedly at Remus. His own eyes stared back at him.

James noticed that Remus hadn't eaten anything either.

"You ate dinner last night, Remus." Remus then began to reach for the pumpkin juice.

Peter and Sirius were both looking at James now, silently wondering what he was on about.

"Well, I'm hungry. Could eat a truckload right now." He began piling his plate with bacon. He saw Remus wince. It looked odd on his face. He also reached for the sausages.

"I'm never this hungry, James, or at least, I never eat this much when I'm sick. Why is that?"

Remus' hand froze, just as he was pouring the juice into a mug.

James put a few sausages on his plate. Sirius and Peter continued to eat. Sirius was on his second piece of toast.

Remus was eyeing his plate now.

"Remus. I don't think you'd want to...." 

James didn't respond at first then he realized that he was Remus so he looked back up, his own eyes meeting him once more.

"I thought that at this time of month, y'know, I could never hold anything down. I'm never usually hungry." He lowered his voice to a whisper "I think the switch didn't switch that much." He smiled at Remus.

Remus looked at him, a mix of horror and panic in his eyes.

"James." Remus' voice was a whisper now. "I know you're hungry but....I mean...I need to tell you something."

"You can tell me now. No one's paying attention to us. Maybe i'm switching back or something 'cause you never feel this way. I'm all dizzy and clumsy, and I'm hungry, so maybe it'll be different. Your furry little problem probably won't affect me." He smiled at Remus.

Remus frowned. "James." He hissed. "I always feel sick and dizzy and disoriented. James listen, I...I'm..."

"Rem?"

"James, you're hungry right?"

James nodded, frowning slightly.

"I don't want to tell..you might..." Remus sighed. "James, listen. You're hungry, but what are you hungry for?"

"What?"

"What are you craving for? Look at your plate."

James looked down. Sausages, Bacon, a piece of toast.

"I don't see the--"

"--smell it, taste it, whatever. You won't be able to hold it down."

"What in Godric's name? Remus, what do you mean?"

"James, think. Right now. What do you really want to eat?"

James thought, looked at the food around him, then looked at Remus. Then it all clicked. A wave of nausea rolled over him. He pushed his plate away, knocking over Remus' mug of pumpkin juice.

Meat. Raw meat. Cooked meat, the food in front of him, he didn't want any. He needed...he needed blood. Red. It flashed in his line of vision. Blood. He felt his own rushing to his head.

James stood up, ignoring the eyes, the spinning eyes all around him. He had to get out of here. The smells, the people, the noise, the Red everywhere. It was too much!

He ran. Outside, to the snow, outside, to the cold. The feeling, still coursing through his veins. He was vaguely aware of the sound of footsteps behind him. The white snow was tinted red. The grey sky was pounding, throbbing, the light, it was dimming. 

He threw up, kneeling on the ground.  

Peter. No, Sirius. Was beside him instantly. He felt a hand on his back, another on this shoulder. Remus.

They stood there, beside him. 

Remus knelt down. 

"Scourgify." He whispered, using James' wand. It was odd, how the wand worked for Remus.  

He thought about it. He didn't even have a wand with him right now. The red was fading, the throbbing in his head subsiding.

Sirius, in Peter's body, helped him to stand. Remus' hand was still on his back.

"James, what--?"

"Sirius...it's...it's nothing. I just...Remus please tell me why..."

"James, you're shaking. Try to--try to calm down."

"I can't Lupin! I just felt like tearing things apart, like I was angry at the world. I felt like killing! I saw red! I..I..."

"I know. I know James, and I'm sorry. I'll explain in our room. We have to get back there for now. Peter went to get some water."

He looked at Sirius, Peter's face stared back at him. He looked scared. 

James himself was terrified.

They walked back inside. 

As they walked, Sirius beside him, and Remus' hand on his back, he noticed that Remus was shaking too.