Swapped Feelings | ✓

■ Conflicted mind

Jared

I messed up totally. I admit it.

I saw her walking away, feeling utterly helpless. I thought of calling her back again but I knew it was of no use. I turned and walked back slowly, feeling guilty.

But why was I feeling guilty? I shouldn't feel so... I mean... we were definitely not in a relationship. She was not my friend or girlfriend. So, why the guilt? I felt as if I had swallowed a lemon.

"You alright?" The girl asked as I went in.

"Please go, I need to clear my head. Elle will see you out and call you a cab. Have a nice day," I went to the washroom without waiting for her to leave and turned on the shower.

Shit.

Shit.

I couldn't forget the look on Allison's face. Hurt, shock, betrayal, sadness, anger.

She didn't deserve an explanation, she was right. Why should I explain anything to her? It was my life. I could do whatever I want. I wasn't commited to her. All the stuff happened five years ago.

She must have dated many guys after me, I wasn't complaining. We led completely different lives. We belonged to different worlds. She had no place in mine and I was absolutely sure I wasn't there in hers.

I groaned as the water poured. I was letting her enter my heart again. I promised I wouldn't do that.

Just one bout of weakness and I couldn't control. I was really tensed when she fainted. And I felt afraid that I was the reason why. Later, the guilt came crashing in. I didn't want her to stay with that roommate of hers that day, so I brought her home. I wanted her under my supervision so I could take care of her as I was responsible for her state. I wanted to make sure she was okay.

Just like now. She was not okay and that's why I was getting all riled up. This was not how things were supposed to work.

I had become very angry when she said she couldn't deliver the files because of that Wade. So, I had gone to a bar where I picked up that brunette. I wanted to distract myself from Allison.

But the weirdest part was I had said Allison's name while foreplay itself but thankfully she was too distracted and drunk to notice. I didn't have sex with her because I refrained, feeling confused and guilty again. We were almost going to, but we didn't. I knew I was going mad. I mean I just cried out Allison's name when things had barely begun. Just as I decided I couldn't go any further to the final base, I heard Allison had arrived. And I felt a relief, somehow. I couldn't explain all of these to her. It was embarrassing.

She had blushed seeing me shirtless. And I swear she looked so cute in that. Again, that raw hungry beast inside me had raised its head and shouted at me to grab her and lead her to some other room. I wanted to touch her so badly. She was there standing, looking absolutely awkward and I selfishly wanted to take advantage of that and show her what real pleasure was.

But then that girl came down and messed up everything. I had even ordered her to stay in the room and not come out until I said so. I would make her leave after Allison went away but she didn't listen. Allison thought we were about to do it.

Well, we almost had sex. But she would never believe me and to be honest, I couldn't blame her. I would behave the same if I were in her place.

"All these, shit man," I murmured, thumping my fist against the wall.

What was I thinking? What was I doing?

I didn't like any of these girls, the only girl I loved once... she duped me. I had genuinely loved her till the day her sister came and ruined everything by opening her mouth. Hailey's wedding was a scar in my life till today. I didn't remember much of it but I had never hated anyone more than Allison Marshall that day. It didn't matter she looked pretty that day or I caught her staring at me. She could be the telling the truth but I was so badly hurt that I didn't believe a word. I still had problems believing now, even though she was near to me.

And yet she was again here in front of me, after many years, agonizingly torturing me day after day without realizing it. She was so near to me everyday and yet so far.

So, why did I feel guilty looking at that same girl whom I once liked?

You still like her, my inner voice said.

Bullshit, I growled.

Admit it.

No.

You still like her.

I don't.

You can't bear to see her in pain.

I can't bear anyone in pain.

Specially hers.

I don't like her anymore.

Yes.

No.

Yes.

No.

Yes.

No.

No.

Yes.

There! You said it!

"Shut up!" I shouted.

"Sir? Are you alright?" Elle knocked from outside, "Dinner is served. Shall I serve it here or downstairs?"

"I am fine. I am alright. Elle, I don't want dinner today. Warm it up for me tomorrow," I shouted.

"As you wish, sir."

Somehow, I wanted to make it up to Allison. I knew I had no obligation, but I wanted to.

Her parting face stirred something inside me. I couldn't just let it go without a proper explanation. Just for the sake of our past, I would let go of my stubbornness for once and speak to her. The awkwardness and those hurt eyes were getting too much for me.

Shit, why couldn't I have her tonight instead of the other girl? If I could just rewind time and go back five years ago, I would ask her straight away if she was the other sister. Frustration built inside me as I held myself, feeling angry and frustrated.

Yet even after the ten minutes of angry push, I still didn't feel too good. I quickly finished soaping and washing before turning off the faucet before wrapping a towel around my waist and walking out. Drying up, I changed into my nightwear and laid down on the bed, thinking of her.

Just few weeks and she was creating a ruckus in my brain. At lunch, I remember her giving me a strict order to cut off her salary and I couldn't help but laugh that time. She looked different, quite different from her usual quiet and obeying self.

I picked up my phone and scrolled over to her contact, pausing at the call button. Chickening out after few seconds, I opened the message chat of ours where there were only talks about appointments or some orders. No personal talks, just the way I had wanted.

"You need to listen before jumping to conclusions," I wrote before deleting it.

"Sorry," I deleted it again.

Groaning in frustration, I threw my phone on the bed, pulling my hair. What should you do to pacify an angry girl?
Talk to her? She wouldn't listen though. I also couldn't believe I had just spent too much time doing a pretty forbidden thing in the shower, thinking of Allison. I shouldn't have done that. This was the first time I did this and to my utter reluctant admittance, wouldn't be the last time either. I was glad she couldn't read minds. She would combust if she could read my mind.

I had to talk though. Even if it cost me a lot of ego.