A New Life (River Phoenix)

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Saying goodbye to River was harder this time; maybe it was because it felt too final.

Usually when we'd have to leave each other, he'd give me lots of kisses and tell me it was "only goodbye for now".

He didn't say that this time.

He didn't touch me; he barely even looked at me.

Instead, he told me he was sorry. And he said it three times just to make sure I knew.

Then he cried, told me he would miss me, and left before I could say anything.

-

The entire flight to Hollywood was a tough one, mainly because the whole time I find myself in a state of shock.

I don't sleep at all, which is unusual for me on such a long flight.

Rather I attempt to make friends with the passengers besides me, who return every friendly gesture with a strange look and turn of the head.

For the first time in a long time, I had officially felt alone.

The only comforting thought was Piper, who I knew would be wrapping me in a tight embrace within the next couple of hours.

I'd missed her so much for the short time I was gone.

That's when I thought about Flea, and whether or not they'd spoken since the truth came out about Piper's secret affair.

Reality dawned on me much quicker than usual when I thought of it.

What was once a perfect life with River, Flea, Piper and I was now an old memory.

-

Hollywood doesn't change, of course.

The air is still thick and smoke still flows down the street like a stream of broken dreams.

Though I can't help but realize now that Hollywood doesn't contain the same opportunities it once did.

It had turned into a darker, more hopeless place; a place I wasn't sure I wanted to be.

I realized, though, that there was no time to be thinking like that.

As I approach the lobby of Piper and I's apartment, a cloud of nostalgia is so vivid around me.

The short month I had left suddenly feels like years.

"Carmen," A voice says, and as I turn around, I notice it's a lady who'd been working at the apartment since Piper and I moved in. "You're back."

"Ha, yeah." I laugh, readjusting my duffle bag on my shoulder. "Is Piper still here?"

I don't call Piper beforehand. I want it to be a surprise.

"Room 202, I believe." She tells me.

I send her a smile.

"Thanks."

She waves me off as I continue up countless flights of stairs; it seems the elevators have broken since I left.

Every step I take dents the strap of my bag even further into my shoulder.

After a while, all I can think about is the feeling of throwing it on the ground.