Living in Sin (On Hold)

Thirty Eight _ Cracks

Nik

Inevitable as it was, my eyes averted from hers to her lips which were shaking a little. I couldn’t turn away, waiting for them to part.

I didn’t really know what I would’ve done if the opportunity did come. ‘cause it never did. And who stopped it from ever happening was that familiar voice which was starting to make a habit of ruining my moments.

“What the hell are you doing?”

When she finally remembered to turn to her friend who, by the sound of her footsteps, was sprinting towards us, I stepped back. Didn’t look her way, though.

It was, yes, because I was looking down. Even if I didn’t really regret what I’d done, that doesn’t mean I hadn’t noticed that look in her eyes: confusion first, then understanding, then something I wished I hadn’t figured out: pain. And I was forced to learn that I couldn’t take it: not from her.

Elizabeth made no bones about her distaste for me when she unnecessarily tried to shove me off stomping in between me and Rina. I gave way, anyways, and watched them argue in eye-language. I then realized there was another one beside us in the hallway.

“It’s time we left.” I didn’t know if Rina looked my way before she was dragged off by her best friend. I didn’t know because I couldn’t look away from mine.

The bell began to set off. They felt to me like hours, the few seconds we spent standing there: eyes locked. He didn’t speak a word. He didn’t need to. The look on his face more than did the job.

I still hoped, though, he’d understand me.

But when the ringing stopped, instead of speaking his mind in actual words, the guy spun around and began walking away.

And instead of feeling relieved that he was doing that, I ran after him and turned him back around.

“What the fu*k is this? Getting steamed up?” I didn’t know why I was so mad. And his reply took its sweet time.

“What was that you said that night?” Don’t say it. Don’t. “What, perverted dyke?”

“Watch your mouth, man. Friend or not, I’ll …”

“Friend, who are you calling friend? I don’t see mine here.” I hadn’t thought that would hurt coming from him. I was wrong. He stepped closer, edging till mere inches were left between our faces. “No friend of mine would do something that disgusting …”

It wasn’t my intention but I hit him pretty hard. He lost balance, almost falling sideways but I noticed with his hunched back turned to me that his hand never went to his face. And to my utter surprise, I heard him chuckle. The empty corridor began to get filled up with students but all I knew existed was us.

“Look, I didn’t mean to. But you did make me …”

“I stood by you when you posted those photos of Mia on the school’s homepage just because you saw her talking to another guy.”

He didn’t stand by me! He just kept mum.

“I stood by you when you slandered Carol because you felt like it.”

Finally he turned around, letting me see what I did to his lips. It was bad. I didn’t realize, though, that what his lips were gonna do to me was far, far worse.

“I … I piled every tragic story I could pull on that girl. Because I thought she was probably the only chance you’ve got at fixing yourself: forgiving yourself.”

I did, too. I still do. Just in a different way.

“And you made me think it could work. So even when it wasn’t that hard to see she had her own story to tell, I … badgered her … not to lose track of you.”