Shifted #Wattys2016

LXXXIII

(Chapter 83, if anyone's paying attention.)

Maxine

It's been a few weeks and life with Ezra is great. I love dating someone so much older—even though it's only a few years. He's so much more mature than the guys my age, both mentally and in bed. Plus free booze. Plus an apartment all on his own.

Life is great! I remind myself.

There's nothing to get me down.

I get in my car and start to drive. I leave the house after a fight with my mother, and a couple hours before that a fight with Ezra. I now ignore the texts from the two. Mom's probably wondering where the hell I am and ordering me to get my ass home, and Ezra is probably trying to apologize (even though I'm pretty sure the argument is my fault). I just drive, windows down, radio only loud enough to be heard over the window. I drive out of the city, out of the city limits, out away from all the people.

I drive to this hill that's an hour away, and that looks over the city and the lake. By the time I get up there, the lights from the city are starting up, and the sky is a dark purple, quickly fading to black. The lake stretches out for miles, the dark water lit with stars. I sit down on the hood of my car.

My phone rings again, this time from Julie.

"Hey, Julie," I answer.

"Hi, dear, how's school going?" She asks.

"It's going well. I've already had a dozen tests." I open up the bottle of cheap run I have and take a sip. "But the teachers are all pretty decent."

"Your mother hated school," Julie says. "Thought it was a waste of time."

I laugh. "I kind of agree with her there. It's got some things that are useful, but other times it's literally a waste of my time."

Julie laughs a little. "It's different here without you. I've had to get used to being alone again,"

There is silence, and I just want to hang up. "Julie, I have to go, but I'll call you again soon." What I say is a lie. I don't have to go, and I doubt I'll call.

"Okay, keep up your grades, Max, they really are important. It's your, what? Senior year? You're almost there. Almost finished. Love you, Max."

"Love you too," I hang up after whispering a goodbye.

I call Felix, just to listen to his voicemail

Time to be real: I've been depressed for a long time. Even before last summer. Being with Felix was just a break in it, a flashlight trying to shine through the fog. But he's gone now, and the fog has won.

Being with Ezra doesn't help. He just feeds the fog. The sex is good, don't get me wrong. But it's not fucking worth it.

I've got the fix.

I sit there for another hour, watching the sun truly set. Then, I close my rum and grab my phone and get back in my car. I start the engine and leave the seat belt unbuckled. I start to drive, heading down the highway, going twenty over the speed limit.

There was no one out this late, and I can't blame them. The only people out now are people bound to get in trouble.

I take another swig of the rum, disappointed at its emptiness.

There's a turn coming up, and I'm ready for it. No one coming. I speed up, pressing the gas petal down to the floor. Windows still down, air whipping my hair around my face, the music off.

I shut my eyes, and let go of the steering wheel, my hands immediately going towards my chest where my seat belt should be. There's nothing there to clutch onto.

Freefalling.

Then blackness.

Some people, they see God, or Jesus, or whatever holy figure they worship when they get as close to death as I was. I was on the brink, just mere seconds away from it. Some see their parents, or grandparents, or other loved ones. I, being the strange girl as I always have been, saw millions of lights. Some were very bright, others very dim. But they were there, white fluorescent dots against a pitch black back drop.

It was beautiful.

Then, one was red. And then blue. Red blue red blue redblueredblueredblue. And then another was blue. Then red. Alternating with the first. Blue red blue red. Like the lights on a police car. Then some of the stars—that's what I think they were—started to talk to each other, speaking rushed and hurriedly. There were multiple voices.

Then all at once the stars started to disappear, all going away at one time. Like someone turning off a light. They were replaced with one big bright light, and the words the stars had said became clearer.

"Miss? Miss can you hear me?"

I tried to speak, but couldn't. At this point, it'd be easier just to sleep.

So I did.

I floated in and out of my dreams. Ezra was in one of them, talking to my mother. I tried to talk to him, and tell him to talk to me, but he couldn't hear me. Then I heard a doctor say to my mother: "...might not wake up..."

I slept more after that.

I tried to sit up but couldn't. It was like every single bone in my body, every muscle, every nerve, refused to let me.

I tried to talk, but there was something in my throat. A tube. It was uncomfortable. I moaned, and tried to open my eyes.

Where am I? A hospital?

Shouldn't I be dead?

The room I was in was dark, the only window covered. I couldn't move my head at all, just moan and blink, and even that was tiring.

I fell back asleep.

When I woke in the morning, I tried my best to get a nurse's attention, but it was hard with a tube down my throat and the inability to move. An intern came in to check up on me and was surprised to see me awake. He left and again I was alone.

The intern and a doctor came back.

"Maxine? Do you know what happened to you?"

I tried to move my head but couldn't. I blinked. Come on, once for yes, twice for no.

"Can you hear me?"

I blinked again, hard. I think she understood.

"Okay, can you move your fingers, toes, anything?" I looked down at my hands. The left was fully covered in a cast, and the right was wrapped in bandage. I tried to move my fingers but they wouldn't. "That's okay, how about the toes?"

I couldn't see my feet but I knew my toes weren't moving.

"We'll try again tomorrow. Do you know what happened to you?"

I blinked once.

"You're very lucky you survived."

I looked out the window, feeling my eyes start to tear. One thing. Go out, drink one last time, drive off the road, die. It's simple. And yet I failed.

"We'll get the throat tube out,"

Once that thing was out, I tried to speak again, but it hurt so much. "Your vocal cords are in pretty rough shape. It'll be a few days before they will start to really work again. You can try to talk, just don't try too hard. Keep trying to move those fingers and toes, wake up the nerves." The doctor paused. "Would you like to see your mom?"

I blinked twice.

"Okay, I'll have someone come in regularly to make sure you're okay."

I blinked once and the doctor and her intern left.