Heal My Heart

F o r t y - T h r e e : P u p p y

A/N: My final week has began! Once the 28th hits I'm free again! And updates will be plentiful!
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It felt like he'd ripped me in half back there.

I'd reached back anxiously earlier and when my hand withdrew my finger tips were sticky with blood. Feeling terribly light headed I went to curl up in the tub. It was close so I tugged a towel out of the pile to put on top of me.

The pile partially toppled but I ignored it, wrapping it around my shoulders.

Why did Scott hurt me?

It didn't make sense. Bailey had said was amazing--that it felt good. It had been awful. It made me cry. Why would Bailey lie like that?

Someone knocked on the door. I pushed myself into the corner. "Stop it. Leave me alone."

"Puppy I'm sorry," he sighed. "I'm coming alright?"

"I don't want you to."

"Well that's too bad."

He let himself in and I began to cry, pushing myself into the corner of the tub. Scott crossed his arms. "Puppy you're acting like I intentionally hurt you."

He sounded hurt... But I felt hurt. "You did!" I cried accusingly. "You hurt me cos you were upset with me. For-for not saying undies the right way."

"Don't be ridiculous Puppy. I told you it's hurt, remember?"

I shook my head. "You said it might hurt a little. It did hurt a whole lot!"

Scott rolled his eyes. "It wasn't that bad Puppy."

"Yes it was! You made me bleed!"

"That's normal Puppy! Everyone bleeds after having something as big as a cock shoved into something as small as an asshole!"

I shrunk back. Now he was yelling at me. I wanted to shut down. I wanted it all to stop. "Can I just go to sleep?"

Scott made an annoyed sound. "You say you want it, I give it to you, and I'm still the jerk right? Things never were like this when I had Danny. Why don't you be more like him sometimes, huh? Just stop being so fucking difficult all the time!"

I felt cold inside. Then... Nothing. No sadness or fear or anger. Everything was gone. I just...was. I got up slowly--I couldn't even feel the pain from my butt--and walked silently past him.

He touched my arm, his mouth moved, but I heard nothing. I went to my room and closed the door tight. I put in my longest, biggest clothes and dragged Milo and my blanket under the bed.

I closed my eyes tight and never wanted to open them again.

***

When I woke up my mouth was dry but I felt icky.

It was like I felt sick, just...dirty all over. And scared. I knew that Cheddar Cheese needed to eat. And as much I didn't want to see Scott's face ever again, I didn't want Cheddar to be hungry.

I crawled out and froze. It hurt. I tightened my mouth against whimpers and I pushed myself to get out. I used the edge of the bed to help me get to my feet. My legs shook a bit.

My stomach cramped uncomfortably.

I felt like I was going to be sick. I fell on my knees and retched. There was nothing to come up though. My stomach cramped up even worse.

I stumbled across the hall to the restroom and heaved up stomach acid. The more I thought about it worse I felt. I half expected Scott to come in, drawn by my broken sobs, but I was glad he didn't.

I didn't want to see him.

I limped back to my room to get dressed so I could feed the cat. The seat of my pjs were blood stained.

I bit my lip at the swell of emotion. Last night I'd felt nothing--now it was all hitting me.

I hated Scott--but I felt bad at the same time.

I hated that he pushed me but I wished he'd pushed further so this wouldn't happen. I was afraid to run into Scott.

His words stung. They had cut deep and I'd never felt so terrible inside. Not when Connor called me stupid or when Scott hit me... This was different. Worse somehow...

I went back to the bathroom with new undies in my hand. I cleaned myself up with cold water until the water wasn't pink. The pain never ceased. It felt like the water was acid. I dried myself off and stepped into the undies hoping that I wouldn't bleed into them. I already ruined one thing.

Dressed I put my covers hesitantly back on my bed, placing Milo gently on top. I felt...vulnerable and exposed. I wanted to go back under the bed and never ever come out again.

I crept downstairs and was relieved to find it empty.

Cheddar Cheese mewled at me and I frowned. I felt bad. I should have gotten up sooner to feed him. "I'm sorry I let you be hungry." I whispered.

I poured in his food and replaced his water. Cheddar Cheese pressed against me purring before he began to eat. I sat down against the wall with a wince. Tears filled my eyes and I wiped them away. "Last night was real bad Cheddar. Scott hurt me. But-but in a different way."

Cheddar spared me a look, his green eyes piercing my own. "I wanted to do it but then I didn't and Scott didn't stop when I asked at first. Then I was naughty and hit him and his in the bathroom and he yelled at me! He talked real fast but he said I need to be more like Danny. But-but I can't be Danny cos I'm Puppy."

Cheddar Cheese meowed and started to eat again. "I didn't mean to bug you," I whispered after a moment. "I'm sorry. I'll go away and let you eat."

I climbed the stairs and hated how bad it hurt still. In my room I checked and there was blood in my undies.

I closed my eyes tight. I felt really sick again.

Even though my eyes were shut I could still see the blood.

I crawled into the bed slowly.

I just wanted to disappear forever.