Heal My Heart

S p e c i a l : B a i l e y

A/N: Comment & Vote

-warning-

"Kingsley please," I mumbled.

He continued to wail miserably. I tucked him against my chest, letting my own fall. What if there was something seriously wrong with him? What if when I walked into the kitchen, I slipped? How would I protect him?

The scenario was obsessive stuck in my head. I constantly found ways to replay it, to figure out what I can do differently.

"I don't think I can take care of you," I whispered. "I'm so sorry."

I had agreed to this. It was my job to love and care for this child--but what if I couldn't? What if he stopped breathing? What could I do?

I wanted to sleep but whenever I tried, my fears of harm befalling Kingsley kept me up. I had awful nightmares. Not only of Kingsley getting hurt but for a fleeting moment, I thought about putting him outside and just leaving him there.

"Kingsley please," I begged pitifully. "I can't help you. God I can't help you..."

Why could I? Was I so terrible a father that I didn't know what my own son needed? That I didn't know how to make his tears stop?

I jumped when the door opened. Kyle looked around and scoffed. I knew the house was trashed. But how was I supposed to find the time? "On your ass again I see?"

I shut my eyes tightly. I didn't need the extra stress--in fact, the only time I felt I could sleep was when I knew the responsibility wasn't just on me.

Kyle took his shower and came back downstairs. "I'll start dinner--can you hold him?"

"I already did my job today. We can't all sit on our ass all day." He sneered at me. He sat down heavily. "Think you're capable of getting me a beer?"

My jaw tightened. "Stop talking to me like that," I muttered angrily.

"What was that?" He snapped facing me.

My heart rate picked up. "I didn't say anything," I whispered.

He settled back down after a piercing stare. "Watch yourself. You're on thin fucking ice right now."

In the kitchen as soon as I neared the bouncer Kingsley began to fuss. "It's just for a minute okay? I need to make dinner."

He began to cry as I leaned down to put him in it. "Sh," I begged straightening up. "I'm sorry. I'll keep holding you."

Kyle had lost all patience with his crying. He didn't understand that I did have any power over it! I hated how he acted as if it was all on me. He wanted the child--now he was hands-off until he was older.

Bonding was important though. Partly the reason Kingsley cried whenever he held him was because he was a stranger. He was just as much Kingsley's father as I was--he should act like it.

I carried him the beer. He took it without looking at me.

I knew he was mad but I didn't know what I could do to fix it. I turned and he snagged my wrist. "I want you tonight. Be ready."

He let me go and I wanted to cry. "Then can you watch him so I can?"

"You can find the time."

"Kyle I need help!"

"No you need to stop being so goddamn lazy. My mother took care of two babies at the same time and the house was always clean, dinner was always on the table, and she was always there the second my father called."

"Kyle--"

"And," he cut me off. "She was always put together."

I took a step back. Sure all my showers had been rushed and yes sometimes three days spanned before I got to it. But I didn't think I looked awful. "Kyle!"

"You've put on weight too," he commented coldly. "Women gain because they actually carried a child--what's your excuse?"

"You're being an asshole right now!" I snapped furiously. "You act like I don't do anything--I do everything!"

"Oh really? The house is trashed, dinner is never ready, you look like shit--what exactly do you do?"

Tears filled my eyes. "I'm taking care of your baby! I never wanted this!"

"Bullshit! I'm so sick of your woe-is-me act. For once in your life you have to do a little work and you act like its the end of the world."

Kingsley began to cry and I turned away, hiding my tears. "Can't you shut him up?"

"He's just a baby, Kyle!" I cried. I felt emotionally drained and frustrated. "And you're over here screaming--"

"Screaming? I haven't even rose my voice yet. If you keep it up, I definitely will."

"Just stop! You're so selfish!"

"I'm selfish?" He got to his feet. "You want me to take the fucking kid? Fine."

He grabbed him from my arms. Kingsley's head flopped as Kyle stormed upstairs. "Kyle!"

I grabbed his arm but he pushed me off. "You need to support his head!"

This was it--my worst fear. Kingsley was in danger. And I couldn't help him. I grabbed his arm on the landing. "Get off me!"

He pushed me back blindly. I stumbled, the floor dropping out from under my back foot. It was like slow motion. My hand grabbed for the rail and grasped empty air.

My body tilted back as I pushed down my arm to support me. My elbow hit first, a searing crack. Then the world turned upside down. My head struck with dizzying force. The taste of blood tainted my mouth.

I tucked in my arm, saving myself the extra pain as my shoulder hit instead. I came to an abrupt stop, slamming my head against the wall.

I couldn't breathe, I realized.

However my consciousness faded before panic could set in. The lights in my eyes dimmed and Kingley's cries became distant echoes.

And then I was...

Gone.

QOTC: Don't hate me forever!!! 😫😭😭