Heal My Heart

E i g h t y - E i g h t : S c o t t

A/N: Comment & Vote

Another sleepless night plagued with memories and loneliness.

Charlie had come back to my room but avoided my touch as though it hurt. To him, I suppose it did. It was frustrating losing something I had worked so hard on. And my explanation hadn't bridged as well as I thought. If anything, Charlie came back out of guilt. I hated feeling so weak and pathetic.

But the more I remembered my past, the harder it was to shake the feelings.

"Little Scotty the Sub"

It wasn't imaginative but since when did kids have to be clever to be cruel? And I was so goddamn weak... Even their words made me cry. I wasn't like that anymore.

I wasn't a sub. I wasn't that person.

I gulped down half a can of beer as a shadow moved. I flicked the light on, casting it over Bailey who shielded his eyes with a hiss. "You're up." Was my stupid remark. "It's late."

"I'm up at night a lot. I can't sleep." He limped to the sink and filled a cup, taking some pills. "I have a headache."

I was about to comment on his dosage when he picked up a Sharpie, scribbling over something and writing 2@3:11am. I gave him a tight smile he didn't bother to return. "Sorry about the wedding," he sighed quietly.

"It's fine. Do you need help upstairs?"

"I usually sit up at this time. I was going to watch some TV. Is that okay? I'll keep it down."

"You do this every night?"

"Yes."

I had no idea how to feel but realized I was emotionally exhausted as I went back to bed. Charlie was also up. "You left," he whispered.

"I was thirsty--why are you awake?"

"You left and I wondered if you went to him."

I closed my eyes. "It's over Charlie. I told you that."

"I know. Come lay with me?" He asked suddenly.

His tone was a bit firmer than usual but I was just glad he was willing to let me touch him more. We had made up physically but I knew it wasn't the same. "Do you know why Bailey is up so late?" I asked as laid beside him.

"Ask his Dom," he mumbled into the pillow. "She controls his life now."

"What?"

Charlie looked at me wearily. "Leah took Bailey as her sub. I thought you knew."

I wanted to angry Charlie hadn't told me but my own honestly had been far from ideal. "She never said anything."

"She's a cunt."

"None of that," I snapped instantly. "That's an awful word and should never be used to describe anyone."

"Yeah okay. Can we go back to bed please?"

"Are you feeling ready to start working again?" I asked carefully. His chores hadn't been getting done these past few weeks and I understood he was hurting. I certainly didn't want to push him.

"I'll get my chores done Scott. Don't worry." He sounded...agitated.

"I didn't mean it like that," I frowned.

"I know Scott. I'm just tired alright?"

"You're upset with me."

"Of course I am!" He shot up. "You're trying to act like nothing happened."

My jaw tensed. "I'm trying to make it up to Charlie."

"You can't!" He paused looking astounded at his own words. "Not yet."

He grabbed his pillow and I took his arm. "Charlie--"

"Let me go. I need some space."

With a sigh I let him go. He closed the door sharply and I collapsed on the bed. The regret I felt was stained into my being. I was stupid, weak... A person like me couldn't find love. That should have been obvious from the start.

Things with Danny were perfect...

That wasn't true. I glorified our relationship's upsides. The truth was painful--Danny hadn't loved me. Kyle told me he had grown cold from his time in the Auction house. I couldn't give up though. At times I thought I was getting to him but then he'd draw away. He sought punishment and avoided intimacy.

His bedroom had probably been the only place he was truly happy.

No, no...remember the happiness...

That was my issue. I was so blind to anything bad that I was happy pretending it didn't exist.

Danny loved me. He had to love me. He stayed. He never tried to run... In public he was the perfect sub.

Charlie had been doing so well. He had done it all for me. Pushing himself; excelling further than expected.

Why was I torturing myself like this? I should be focusing on the future, thinking about how I would repair the damage I've done so we could move on.

As for Leah... She wasn't what I expected. She was a meek girl--quite like I had been in my younger girls. She was a Dom but hardly. Or so I thought. It was why I had hired her originally. Now... Perhaps she should be dismissed?

Bailey wasn't in a competent state. Leah was abusing her position of power.

Or maybe I was just deflecting.

-possible trigger warning-

Or maybe my life was so unbelievably pathetic I might as well give in now. After all, I only hurt those around me.

I'd had hurt Charlie. Broken his trust and his heart.

No punishment was great enough. There was no foreseeable way to fix my wrongs. Without me Charlie could have a real shot at happiness.

And without Charlie, I had no more reason to live.

Don...Danny... I suppose it's better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all. But that didn't lessen the loneliness. The isolation of being me--a failure, a mistake of nature.

I had no real place in this world.

I wasn't a Dom. I wasn't a sub.

There was no one dependent on me... If I was gone, what would happen?

Nothing.

And those who noticed wouldn't effected.

Perhaps suicide is a suitable option.

A/N: Thoughts?
Can Scott fix this?
Or is there no correcting the wrongs committed?