The Rain | Cricky [C]

Chapter 40 | Moving On

So, this is the last chapter of this fic. As with all last chapters, I ask that you guys spam the comments to show your support. Thank you for all your love on this story! I know a lot of you guys don't want to see it go but if it's a good consolation, I know you're going to love The Black River when it comes out. In case you haven't seen the little teaser, here you go. 

If you want a little more on The Black Rain, there's a teaser image on my Instagram. (NonaHysteria). Also, in case you didn't notice, I'm completing this today in honor of it being the five year anniversary of the Creatures album. 

Again, I can't tell you guys how much it means to me to see all your comments and votes. I can write some of the most fucked up shit and you guys love it. Thank you <3 And I hope you enjoy the last chapter of The Rain...

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Chris,

You of all people are all too familiar with the fact that no matter how much you can feel, you may never be able to put your feelings into words. I've thought over what I could say and I've realized there's nothing that will make us both at peace. I'm not going to find closure for the way you shut me out and you will never forgive me for betraying you. 

I know how your mind works. You do not forgive or forget. You'll always hold anger towards me for what I did and I know I could never change your mind. The truth of the matter is I don't want to. We weren't meant to be together. We're toxic, you and I. Regardless of what could have been and what we couldn't have changed, I am sorry for hurting you. 

Everything you've ever done for me I've thrown back in your face. Starting back from my slave days, I should've been grateful you gave me a home, a bed, a place to shower and food to eat. Instead, I spit in your face. Somehow you managed to fall in love with me. I'm not sure when it happened or how, but one day my utter hatred for you just went away. Or so I thought. 

It's always been there, way in the back of my mind. I believe most of it did go away when I fell for you but I never rid myself of all of it. I'm not capable of loving someone without hatred. Neither of us are. It doesn't matter how much you pamper Ricky, you will not be able to love him without force. It is who you are. It's who I am too. I was not the only one that took my life for granted.

Now, you've found someone to make you happy. He'll never hit you, call you names, or degrade you. He won't cheat on you or lie to you. As much as I hate to admit it, I've seen it in his eyes. He loves you. I loved you too, but where I differ from him was I could not live the life of a submissive. I've got a soul that doesn't want to be tied down. You could never control me no matter what you tried. Please, don't blame yourself for a thing that happened between us. 

The only way we could've prevented our relationship from being toxic is if we both changed. We were never going to change though. We never will and that's not necessarily a bad thing. You are an incredible, sexy man with amazing passion, drive, and talent. But, I wasn't the one who could bring out your good side. 

I'd like to hope that someday we can find peace and become friends. I don't want it to lead to a relapse. You have Ricky and I have someone else now. What happened between Angelo and I, it hurt someone else more than it hurt you. That is the one person I do owe it to to change. For every time I have hit you, cheated on you, lied to you, I am sorry. This grief was not worth the end result. A part of me will always love you but I found someone I love more. I'd like to hope you've found that same peace with Ricky.