Letters from India

28. Too Contaminated to be Saved? - May 1985

Too Contaminated to be Saved?

May 29, 1985

Vrindaban

Dear Family,

I'm doing fine. My cold is a little better, but it’s still a miserable head cold. It’s hot here too – but it doesn’t bother me so much because I guess my body has adjusted. And it’s the hottest time of the year! Luckily Vrindaban isn’t so bad as other places.

The only problem with the Hare Krishnas is they believe that the personality of the avatar of Krishna is IT; that the absolute highest state you can attain is to Krishna Loka, the world of Krishna, where you forever are with Krishna herding cows and hearing His flute. Which is nice for them actually, because they’ll actually attain that, through aspiring towards it!

Interestingly enough, they believe in such a thing as “Impersonal realization,” which the “impersonalists” attain (‘impersonalists’ they apply to anyone seeking realization, not through Krishna Consciousness) (it’s one of their favorite putdowns, “impersonalists,” said with a curl of the lip and obvious disgust). That’s when you’re one with all creation but they don’t ascribe bliss to it (after all, how can you ascribe a pleasant emotion to something so, so, impersonal??), and say that “Krishna Loka” is higher.

So, I cooled it on the Sai teachings and got down to the nitty gritty of living in an ashram. And now I really can experience ashram life! It’s so much freer, I just nod politely in classes where they pound dogmatic themes across, and ask questions – when I wonder what their beliefs are, but to them it may sound like I'm believing & accepting their answers. Then, and always, I just pick out the good and inspiring stuff and take that in.

Today an interesting thing happened. It was early morning around 5:30 AM, and Maria (new devotee) came to my door. She said the “big Swami” was back, and that I should go to the arathi at 7 AM, cuz it will be to him since he’s here. I was thinking, “Oh great, an arathi worshipping one who thinks of Sai as a magician, that’s all I need.” I said I’d see, if I feel well enough (my voice definitely sounded like one with a bad cold). She kept insisting but I just said, “I’ll see, I’ll see.”

After she left I was totally and completely against it. No way, josé, will I go! I’ll stay and sing bhajans in my room. Then I remembered the Lord’s teaching that I should forget ego, be quiet and calm, and He’ll move me to do what is right. Soo, I moaned and obeyed, becoming calm. Orders came that I should go! Ugh, totally! Talk about foul taste in your mouth. But, I obeyed.

Dragged sick, overtired body up and went. Witnessed this “guru” sitting on platform, lamps waved in front of him, him being fanned, songs being sung in praise of him and the line of gurus. Then, we were all given a handful of flowers to throw at his feet! As usual, I sneaked ¾ of them into my japamala bead-bag, for later worship on my alter. After, he gave garlands to all of us of the female gender, and handed out prasad to everyone. Then, he lead a class on a passage from the Bhagavatha.

The oddest thing, halfway through the class I became aware of the whole temple being bathed in Love, indescribable! It was a soft, subtle beauty feeling, like a pastel painting. A real experience! After the class, the feeling was overwhelming, encompassing all! Felt it soo strongly. Although when he was speaking the feeling seemed to blend with him (probably subtly inspiring him to speak with more purity), it wasn’t coming from him. It didn’t even seem to be coming from the deity Krishna. It was more an ethereal love that came from above.

I still don’t know for sure what it was, but I think maybe it was just a reward from Sai for coming. It’s obvious He wants me to stay and live an ashram life, and now that I think about it, I guess I would’ve been heavily questioned if I hadn’t come to this special guru puja and it would’ve tensed relations. But an interesting leela, huh? :-)