Letters from India

43. After Birthday Recovery - Nov 1985

After Birthday Recovery

November 30, 1985

Prasanthi Nilayam

Dear Ones,

I had heard a rumor that after B-day Prasanthi Nilayam would become a quiet place for spiritual aspirants. This could come true also. While the majority of devotees work in the karma field of activity, perhaps the few “exceptions” will be allowed to stay and do sadhana at the ashram. Swami does have a small number of “gopis” both Indian & foreign, I can't imagine them going now suddenly into the “world,” back to their countries to do seva. Examples: SH (been here 6 years), Anna (2½ years), Rita (3 years) and :-) Eileen (moi) (1 year). These people are only doing spiritual sadhana.

There were two basic request/desires I had, which I'm sure were from lives past, but which only came up again, after my “second birth” in this life (Feb. 1982, when I was 16). Later, a third one was added: if I can’t have moksha, I’d want to just be beside God, stare into His face - any form would do: a lingam in a temple, an idol or an Incarnation. I felt everything else would be a waste of time – if I'm not liberated, then at least let me be beside and see always, a form of God before me. I thought this desire was beyond my reach. So, desire/request number two was, I want to live in an ashram or convent or forest or mountain, something like that, only doing spiritual discipline. Later, another basic desire arose, which came completely to the surface after arriving her, and that was to stay in India.

These three desires formed the base of my existence, the only things I cared about. Nothing else mattered, my happiness or sadness depended on the fulfillment or withdrawal of these things. (Of course, this was after I replaced the “out-of-reach” moksha desire, with these three things. Sort of as a security blanket. I guess everyone has to have something or they simply died without the Goal!)

Sai has – for some odd reason – fulfilled these three things. I am now in a position and have been for many months – of having absolutely all desires fulfilled. What does one do in such a space, but experience all calmness? These three things were all that was important to me, it’s as if Sai would take a “normal” person, and fulfill absolutely every desire immediately, as it came to their mind. The only trouble is, now I don’t even moan about moksha, because I trust in Him to give when I'm ready!

Everything He gives now is extra – I can enjoy His beauty without wanting anything from Him. It occurred to me – and this is talking on a lower level than the Highest, where Sai the Absolute, wants or needs nothing - that Sai would like to keep someone like me in the ashram maybe, someone who could just enjoy Him with no other desires. Egotistical but, in God’s place wouldn’t He like from just a few at least, love flowing to Him without an “I’d like this” or “I’d like that” attachment? There are plenty of wonderful devotees and sevaks, who can go out in the field of work. Anyway, who does He usually put in positions of power – people who’d be good at it, or people who would be bad at it, who need to learn from it?!!

So there’s your sob story of the day. Day by day, step by step, You take care.....

This shed I'm in is not what I'm used to. The bathrooms are an inside attached until at the end of the hall – like a house! It’s a huge hall – the spaces are pre-measured and numbered, you just fit your bed and luggage in your small numbered space. The hall fits 290 devotees but now with so many leaving, it’s not capacity so people take double-spaces.

It’s very noisy – no rules or silence times as in the shed I was in before B-day. I'm right beside this Sri Lankan family from London (Panchalingam family), who were just across from me in other shed. Can't help laughing that it’s working off my “family karma” I may have left – Sai’s giving it to me here so I don’t have to return to USA! So I stay by them instead of moving to another place. They’re very nice but a typical Western family – fights all the time, scream-fests. Mother, 20-year old daughter (very dharmic), 10-year old daughter (typical trouble-age) and 5-year old son (trouble maker).

Ashram rooms are available now, many people moving into rooms, but I’ll stay in the shed as usual, mostly cuz of money situation (or if you want you could sponsor me in a room, $5 a month) (food cost me around $25 a month).

Swami’s pretty much back to His ole’ serious-looking act during Darshan. But unpredictable of course – the other night, He came out before bhajans suddenly, and gave an extra Darshan, looking overly pleased and happy, giving beautiful Krishna-grins. On the 28th, for no apparent reason, He had laddus distributed to all, after morning bhajans. A nice surprise!

He’s been soo sweet, giving me 1st, 2nd and 3rd rows most of the time. Maybe it’s because He wants me to see Him up close – for so long I had only back rows, then the B-day when couldn’t even see the expression on His Face. Now seeing Him from close rows again, how Beautiful!

Most people here have bad coughs and/or colds and/or stomach ailments - the place sounds like a hospital ward as a fellow shed-ite stated recently. :-) The sound of coughs and blowing of noses abounds all around - except from Sai.

After two days after B-day of feeling great (during B-day, was fighting sore throat, sniffles, and an awful cough), came on stronger than ever, grounded half a day, semi-sick the next day, and ½ now (flu symptoms). After tons of rest, juice, fruit and Vit C, just have sniffles and a cough. Purifying I guess, what to do. Maybe I will be perfected by my 20th B-day.

I seem to be safe in India until 13 January 1986.

Om Sri Sai Ram!

Love,

Eileen