Letters from India

90. Life in Anandashram & Swami's Fall - Sept 1988

Quiet in Anandashram & Swami’s Fall

September 9, 1988

Anandashram, Kerala

Sai Ram!

Well, days are passing in peace, quiet and all-day constant sadhana. Since I know nobody here, I'm free to stay silent, free to close my eyes in meditation whenever I want, and not notice when people come or go. Unlike Puttaparthi, visitors (which are only a few per day, if that) are not so curious as in Prasanthi Nilayam. They don’t approach me and don’t ask questions! Therefore, I keep unknown and don’t hurt anyone’s feelings if I don’t look or talk to them - vacation indeed!

The sanyasi Sathya is here, but happily sanyasis understand when someone wants quiet! We ignore each other sometimes, or we say a few words per day, then return to our sadhana.

Because of all the sadhana, much food isn’t required (although they supply a lot of it!); I either eat idlees and sambar for breakfast, or vegetables and buttermilk for lunch (not both meals), it’s enough for the day. If I eat more than once a day, my stomach becomes full and I can't put full concentration on God. I have more interest in God than food; finally I understand the concept, “eat to live” instead of “live to eat.”

So, I cannot write of Swami and Venkamma Darshans, I will have to relate Mother Krishnabai Darshans. :-)

When I first came, for three days she gave a lot of special surprise Darshans, which his very, very rare, she even went out in the car one day (first time in about 30 years!). She did this only minutes after I had joked to Sathya, “In Prasanthi Nilayam we have car Darshan, here we have chair Darshan!” (She cannot walk well so when she comes out, they usually carry her in a chair!) But now, she is back to the once-a-day morning Darshan: we all file into her room, and one by one bow to her lying in her bed. The resident Swami Satchidananda, gives us little candies as prasad. The Darshan experience then, must last the whole day.

Usually she ignores me, I think because inside, I am ignoring her and thinking of Prasanthi Nilayam. She is like my caretaker for a few weeks. :-)

On Onam, the 25th, I was a bit down, because of being away from Prasanthi Nilayam and Swami. My faith is that festivals are very, very special and that He gives many Blessings during a festival. That’s why He encourages people to come then. So, I went into Mother Krishnabai’s room that morning, moaning to myself, “Now I will have her Darshan, meanwhile all are there in Prasanthi Nilayam enjoying Swami’s Darshan. Moan, groan. Why has He sent me away from a special festival?” etc.

When Mataji Krishnabai saw me, she put her hands high as in “namaskar” (she doesn’t do that so often – she did it to me my first Darshan only). I felt as if I was receiving Blessings! I looked into her eyes, but they were not of this world! They were completely glossy and shiny, as if consciousness was gone - like glass. Now I know what Samadhi eyes really look like; I’ve read about it but have never seen eyes like that – now Swami gave me that sight. Needless to say I was comforted a bit! :-)

I also had an experience with Swami Satchidananda, who has been here since his early 20’s. I thought him to be ordinary – though I saw people treat him with much reverence, touching his feet even. Then Sathya started telling me about him, that she believes him to be a realized soul. She related some experiences she’s had with him; I didn’t form an opinion, but just considered that maybe he was special. He seems to be the embodiment of peace and unattachment to the world. He never, ever looks about but seems completely immersed inside. He’s tall, thin, and his face is shining with youth (he’s in his late 50’s).

The next day, I was seeing my roommate off at 4:30 AM. (In my first eight days here, I went though three roommates! They come and go so fast!) Someone sent word that Swami had called her. She went inside and I waited outside for her. Aalthough Swami certainly didn’t see me, and no one went inside to inform him that I was there, suddenly someone came out to me with tea and a plate of biscuits, saying, “Swami has sent this for you.” I was surprised!