Falling Tears

Chapter 30

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Jimin's POV

I stared at the plate in front of me, my insides filled with anxiety and self-hatred. I knew there wasn't much on it – Jungkook had carefully asked how much I wanted – but I felt like I couldn't eat it. I had already eaten a little and I could feel it in my stomach like I had swallowed stones. My chest started to hurt weirdly and I realized I was panicking, and I knew that was stupid.

It's just a little bit food, Jimin.

I knew that, but I also knew I'd have to eat this all to make Jungkook tell me something. Otherwise I would've stopped eating already, told Sumin I wasn't hungry and thrown the food away. That's a little play that kept repeating in my head, like it was something I was supposed to do, and I guess it was. That just wasn't what I could do now, no matter how much I wanted that.

I glanced up at Jungkook.

He was silently sitting on his chair, eating slowly but focusing on the table and smiling once or twice to something Sumin on the other side of the table had said. He seemed pretty normal but if you knew him, you could totally see the signs of nervousness. He was touching his hair, chewing the inside of his cheek and his gaze kept wondering even when it was focused on the table.

I felt bad for him. He was telling me something about himself just to get me eat, and I wanted nothing more than to say that he didn't have to tell me, that he could take his time with telling. But it was very clear to me that I couldn't finish the plate in front of me without the temptation of knowing. I didn't want Jungkook to suffer, though, and I was so close opening my mouth so many times and say the words he probably wanted to hear: Jungkookie, you don't have to tell me but I'll finish this, okay?

I couldn't finish this even with the bait.

This was bad. Hell, I knew it was. There was just nothing I could do about it. The ball of anxiety just grew if I thought of food going down my throat. It's not going to just disappear from your stomach. It's going straight to your thighs and cheeks and waist....

I wanted to hit my head on the table and cry but I kept my expression pretty neutral.

"Jimin?"

I raised my head as my name was called and I met Sumin's worried eyes.

"You don't have to eat it if you don't like it", she said carefully, sounding a little hurt but understanding at the same time.

Why was she so nice to me? I don't deserve it, I immediately thought.

Then I felt like shit.

Why was I going back to this? This "I don't deserve anyone and everybody would be better off without me" –thing. Jungkook had pulled me out of there and I was okay, wasn't I? I had been doing okay. Not perfectly or even good, but okay, and that had been the best I had felt in a while. So why was I ruining it by thinking about this again?

It never left, Jimin, don't act stupid. It has always been there because that's the way you are, Jungkook just made it hide from you.

I swallowed hard and then put a fake-smile to my face, letting Sumin know I was sorry. "It's not that. I just don't feel like eating, I'm sorry."

I was glad my voice didn't shake but of course Jungkook knew I wasn't alright. He placed his hand on my thigh and I gave him a small smile because it helped, knowing he understood and was there.