The Aftermath - A Gilmore Girls Revival Fan Fiction

Chapter 54

"Twins..." I repeated in absolute shock, not really sure if I meant it as a question or as a statement.

"Twins, Ace!  Isn't that exciting!?" Logan exclaimed, grinning from ear to ear.  It was remarkable how excited he was compared to me - all I could think about wanting to do was to run out of the room, screaming at the top of my lungs, all the way back home.  Excited was definitely not a word to use to describe me right now...

"Rory...?  Honey...?  Talk to us..." mom said in concern, noticing the color draining completely from my face. 

I blinked out of my daze and looked up at her with a panicked expression on my face.  I wasn't even sure I could handle being a mother to one baby, but now there would be TWO!?  I wanted to say something, but no words would form into sentences.  I felt drunk, and dizzy - as if the room was spinning faster and faster and...

"Ace...?" Logan's voice dragged on, almost as if it were in slow motion.  And far away...  why did it seem so far away...?  And then darkness.

"Oh - oh my God!  Ace!?" Logan exclaimed.  I had fallen back on the table and he looked at my mom with panic written all over his face, unsure of what he could do. 

The doctor didn't hesitate.  She hurriedly checked my vitals to see what we were dealing with, checking my pulse, my heartbeat, my breathing and more.

"Rory!?  Doctor Schnappel, what's happening to her!?" Mom cried in terror. 

"Please remember that it's very important that you remain calm, Lorelai" Doctor Schnappel said as she put the stethoscope to my chest. 

"She's breathing, and her pulse is strong.  To put it simply, her body went into shock and she fainted" Doctor Schnappel said, removing the stethoscope from her ears and wrapping it around the back of her neck.  "She just had a bit of a panic attack, which is normal considering the news I just sprung on her.  Not everyone is as excited about twins as others.  Sometimes, one parent needs a little extra encouragement, love and understanding to get them through this.  This is a lot to take in all at once, especially if she was apprehensive about the pregnancy in the first place" she said, looking straight at Logan. 

"You think she was apprehensive?" He asked. 

"I think I've seen a lot of first time mothers in my line of work, and she just doesn't seem to have the same sparkle in her eyes that the others have.  She's going to need a LOT of encouragement to help her realize that not only can she do this, but also more importantly, that she WANTS to do this."

He sighed and nodded.  "I can't believe I didn't see it before, but I'll absolutely do anything in my power to help her wrap her head around this.  And then hopefully one day she will love them so much, that she will come to realize that she couldn't imagine a life without them" he told himself. 

"Ye-yeah, of course.  And I will do whatever I can, also" Lorelai said warily. 

***********

After Logan had gotten me home and settled into bed for some relaxation, he sat down in the chair beside the bed.  With his elbows propped up on the side of the bed, he brought his hands to his face and furrowed his eyebrows, causing crinkles in his forehead.  I watched him intently as he stared at me for a long while, seeming as if he were trying to get a question out that just wouldn't formulate into words. 

"Why are you staring at me that way...?" I whispered, looking from side to side uncomfortably, to break our eye contact.

"How are you feeling?" He asked - he wanted to start small and not bombard me with heavy questions right from the get go. 

"I - I don't know, really...  I've got about a million emotions swirling through me that I'm not sure I could narrow it down to just one - or even a top 10 list" I whispered. 

"Ace...?  Nah.  No, never mind" he said, deciding to abort the question.

My eyes darted around his face, searching for a clue.  "What?  What is it?" I asked.

"I was...  just...  wondering if one of those emotions...  was...  happy...  by chance?" he whispered, as if he was holding onto the words so tightly and you'd literally pulled them out of him against his will. 

"Happy?" I repeated in a stoic tone. 

"Yeah, happy.  Are you?" he whispered. 

"I feel sort of...  well...  numb.  I mean, I'm not really sure how I feel yet" I whispered distantly.

"...Numb...?" Logan asked quietly. 

He looked so sad and so disappointed in me.  I knew he wanted me to be as happy as he was, but the truth was - I wasn't.  I was in shock, I was terrified, I was absolutely sick to my stomach thinking about the fact that I was nowhere near the same ballpark of feelings that Logan was having.  Never in my life did I see myself being a parent.  It's not that I hated kids, they just didn't particularly fit into the life that I had imagined for myself.  How do I tell this to this person?  This wonderful, beautiful, excited person who was so beyond ready to become a father?  He would never understand why I feel this way - I don't even understand why I feel this way...  What the hell is wrong with me?  I'm barely pregnant and I'm already the worst mom ever. 

"It's okay if you're not okay with this" he whispered, his eyes looking deep into mine. 

"Okay?" I whispered in confusion. 

"Together we will get through this, Ace.  You're not in this alone. I know you're having a hard time wrapping your head around this entire situation, but together we can handle anything! I love you, and I'm here for you, no matter which way it is that you need me to be here for you" he promised.

Tears just burst out of nowhere and I started crying like crazy. "I'm not okay" I whispered, shaking my head and unable to control my sobs. "I'm so sorry, Logan! I'm so sorry I'm not okay" I cried.

He looked at me in surprise and then held me in his arms. "Rory, I love you. Even if you're not okay right now, we will STILL get through this! I'm not going ANYWHERE!" He promised, holding me even tighter, almost as if he were protecting me from something - anything - that might come get me. But could he protect me from my own feelings? Or should I say, lack thereof?