Into You

Chapter 45

#1- Beginnings and Endings

"Hello, Lauren, love,

So you're watching this which means only one thing, I'm dead but as you can see, I'm not totally gone; this is an ending, but it's also a beginning, in a different kind of way. I hope you read the note and you understand what I'm trying to do here. It's really hard to do this, I'm trying to reach out into the future so I can be with you through the important parts in your life, be with you in a way that I never was through the last few years.

There's so much I want to share with you, mija; there are so many things that I still have to say to you and now I'm not going to get a chance to do properly; so I've had to improvise. I've had to try and think of every moment in your life that I can be a part of in some way and leave you a tape for it, I've made a list, see? This is my list of the things of the things I want to talk to you about, I only hope I've got enough time to do them all before the inevitable happens.

Look, cariño, this is the first of many, but for me, this is the most important one for you to see. This is the first message where I can try and pass on some wisdom to you at what I know is going to be a tough time for you.

I'm really sorry this happened, sweetheart, I really am; not because I've died, that was always going to happen one day, but because I know this is going to be an too much for you to deal with and there's not a lot to deal with it with. The last few months have been hard on our finances and I know you've suffered the most. I know you thought about going to University, and I know you gave up on that dream when you found out I was sick.

So here's the deal, love. I don't care about what happens to me, declare poverty and get the damn Government to bury me or whatever, the bastards had most of everything I earned in tax over the years anyway, so the way I figure it is they owe me. Also, I don't really care what happens to me after I'm gone, the body I leave behind is just a shell and my spirit will always be with you no matter what happens to it. The last thing I want for you to do is to ruin your future for me, so don't worry about me, Lauren, please.

Now that we've cleared that out, I want to discuss something far more important to me; I know that this is going to seem ridiculous, mija, but I want you to try not to grieve.

Grieving is nothing more than feeling sorry for yourself, and I hope that I've taught you better than that; best foot forwards and follow your heart always, remember?

Not exactly the greatest words of wisdom that I could have passed on, but ones that I think will serve you well if you hold onto them. You have a long life to enjoy, Lauren, one that I know will be filled with great things, just have a bit of faith in yourself along the way. You've always made strong decisions throughout your life, but sometimes not great ones for you; one of my greatest regrets is that I contributed to your decision to lock yourself away, to follow your head and not your heart. Give yourself to your heart once and a while, mija. You might be surprised what you get as a reward; mother nature's good like that. Remember what I always told you, try and make every single day that you spend on this earth special, because you're a long time dead darling, a very long time dead.

I can honestly say that you have made my days so very, very special up to now and I only regret that I won't have that for much longer.

Anyway, love, I can't talk forever. Angie over there will kill me, and I do get tired... so very, very tired these days; and if I talk for too long to this fucking machine then I won't be able to stay awake when you come in to visit me, and I can't have that. I know you know how bad it really is. I've been trying to hide it from you as best I can, but you're a clever girl. I know I haven't got much time left, and I'm not going to waste the hours we have together with all of this nonsense. Hence me doing these tapes, this way I can share your life in the present and do something for you as you get older. I hope you get to watch all of these tapes, that you allow me to share in your future in this silly little way, giving us the chance to be together at the key points of your life. What I do know is that wherever I am right now, it's a better place than the one I was in; with the exception of having you around, that is, but I also know that I'll be looking down at you with nothing but love and pride.