The Perfect Revenge

Thirty-three

Jake

Na-drown out ko yung sound ng car engines sa track as I try to sort out my thoughts.

I have always prided myself for being a rational and calculative person. I think before I act, before I judge, before I speak. For me, reason always wins over mere hunches of the heart.

But ever since this fiasco in between Ezekiel, Vivian, Gage, AJ and I, kailangan kong i-admit na inuna ko yung galit before I looked at the situation with my head on straight.

And to think na after kong tanggapin ang pagkakamali ko ay matatauhan ako. Pero mali rin pala since six months kong in-ignore yung nararamdaman ko. Six months kong hindi ina-acknowledge yung malaking butas sa araw-araw ko. The reason why I've been grumpy and angry and sad at the same time.

But I'm not going to ignore it anymore. Hindi ko rin pipigilan ang pag-grow nito. Because that is what it's been doing during those days with AJ. It's growing. AJ is like a fertilizer na nagpapataba ng lupa where my heart is planted and when she left, my heart started to wither.

I know, ang cheesy. Pero na-establish ko naman na na tapos na akong makinig sa logical and I'm starting to surrender to the feelings. Nagawa ni AJ na maging matapang at harapin ang dati niya pang alam. It's time I do the same.

I have to start manning up. If I am going to raise a kid, I have to set a good example. And I have to start by taking good care of his mother.

Hanggang ngayon, tine-test ko pa rin sa utak ko ang mga salitang iyon. I'm going to be a father. Ngayon pa lang ramdam ko na agad ang bond ko sa batang iyon. I'm going to protect and provide for it. If the baby is a boy, I want him to grow up like me and if want him to be like me, then I have to do better. And if it's a girl, then God, I'm going to steer her away from boys who'll break her heart like I did with AJ.

"Jake." Napatingin ako sa direction ni Gage. He was wearing his tracksuit at nakasukbit sa left side arm ang helmet niya. "You wanted to see me?"

Napatayo ako mula sa bleachers at humarap sa kanya. "Yes."

Ang wary ng tingin niya sa akin. Ngayon lang ulit kasi kami nagkaharap.

I looked at my best friend. He's a mess. Huling balita ko sa kanya ay galing pa kay Harvey five months ago when he ranted to me about being a baby about this whole thing. And that was his term. I was being a baby.

Kung alam ko lang that time that I was having a baby.

My lips tilted up at my thoughts.

Si Gage naman ay napakunot ng noo, nagulat siguro sa reaction ko.

"Inside joke," I explained.

"Right," he sighed. "Why are you here?"

"I forgive you."

At those words, na-notice ko na medyo nag-loose yung tension sa katawan niya. "I haven't even asked for your forgiveness."

"Bakit?"

"Well, bukod sa alam kong mapupuruhan na 'tong mukha ko the next time we meet, I don't deserve it."

Tumango ako in understanding. Though there is still a part of me na ayaw pang patawarin si Gage, I know that if I am going to ask AJ for her forgiveness, I should learn how to give it myself. "Hindi naman tayo parehong inosente sa nangyari. We both did things we are not proud of. We did things we wish we could take back. Pero hindi na eh. Nangyari na ang nangyari. Nadamay pati ang pagkakaibigan natin.

"But see, you're one of my best friends. I think I kind of understand where you're coming from. Natakot kang pakita kay Vivian yung feelings mo because you think it would destroy our friendship. But it was not your feelings that broke you, Gage. It was how you acted on it. I get it now." Nginitian ko siya. "Na-realize ko kung paano ko nilabanan yung nararamdaman ko kay AJ to the point na ipagsigawan kong hindi ko siya mahal. I think at that point when I said I couldn't ever love her, I was shouting it to myself. I was trying to convince myself. Kasi up until now, hindi ko pa rin sure kung itong nararamdaman ko is what you've told me before I even realized I was feeling it."