Reappearance

Chapter Thirty-Eight

This heartbreak felt cold, even colder than before. It felt like concrete was drying in his chest, every breath he took he could feel his chest tightening each time. This heartbreak was unexpected, as they always were, top of the world one minute and cut down the next. Why was that? Was there part of her that disliked to see him happy when she was miserable? Why do you always have a specific way to ruin my emotion every time? It felt like all of his efforts had gone to waste, the feelings that was slowly developing for her—unsurprisingly, had been wasted like it had always been. It's not like he didn't want to continue the process of lending his trust towards her once again, but there was a side of him that said he shouldn't.

He was afraid that she will turn her heart to someone else—so easily like she once did before. Even after years of relationship, she had the urge of leaving him for another guy so easily and had the urge to say that he was the only guy she had ever loved, and ever will. Who was I to her then? Was I just a puppet that she'd love to play with when she was bored? Am I still that puppet? Seokjin felt like he was living in horror, horrified and terrified of a history that would repeat itself. Who in the world had an idea of what was going to happen if one day he ended up giving his love to her again? What if the same thing happen again? Who will be there to save me when all of my members have been repeating themselves saying the same word, 'be careful with who you trust'?

Should I even trust you?

He stared at the box that was placed in front of him. The other members were fast asleep, he glanced down on his watch, five minutes to three in the morning. The same words kept repeating itself over and over again around his mind, and he felt betrayed each time. He wasn't aware of how deep her love was for him, now he knew, she loved him more than she ever loved himself.

Am I that worthless? Useless? Although it was an event that had happened three years ago, but the feelings, he couldn't lie to say that the feeling had no longer lingering around him. It still did. In fact, he realised that it was still somewhere around his heart once he read her journal. He put the glass of cold water on the top of the box, didn't even dare to give a look of what was inside—he couldn't care less.

He got up to his feet and approached the door, his rushing blood deafening in his ears, all he could feel was betrayed and disappointment. As he turned, something on the floor caught on his pants. It looked like it had been crumbled up, and it was pink in colour. He bent down, and picked it up and turned it over in his hand. That was when he realised that he was holding the birthday letter Sojung gave to him. He pushed himself into a sitting position and stared at the piece of crumbled envelop with a piece of paper inside it. It had landed face up of the envelop, a scrawl of words, written in black ink, saying that it was from Kim Sojung to Kim Seokjin.

His fingers slipped on the edge of the envelop's mouth, opening it and pulling what was inside. A white piece of paper that was eighty percent crumbled, but still be able to read what was written on it. He opened the flipped paper from three stages, and started reading from top to bottom.

December 4th, 2015
Hello, Kim Seokjin. This is Kim Sojung writing a letter for you. The main purpose of writing this letter is to wish you a happy birthday so, happy birthday Seokjin!! I hope you will have the greatest moment in life, I hope you will eat as much as you can today because I know how much you love eating, and I also hope you will enjoy every little moment of your life today. I know how you feel at the moment. Aren't you disappointed?
Me too. I am disappointed with myself too. I know you would end up reading my journal and you'd notice how there was none written on the date of your birthday three years ago. This was all planned, I'm sorry to take you by surprise by doing this. I know you will be heart broken and feeling betrayed by me, by my words that I've written down in my journal, that was the reason why I slipped in between the pages of the week of your birthday which was coincidentally some journals of me talking about how much I loved Yoo Minseok.
I hope you won't take this the wrong way. This was all to show you how much I am trying to gain your trust back, there, I said it. I don't care if you won't return any feelings to me, but gaining back your trust is my main goal. Oh the bad past, it was all my fault. I look like an idiot now chasing a horse that had ran away from its team. I'm not doing this for attention, I'm doing this for you and I. I have moved on, and you are too, I'm sure about that.
Notice how the date on top of this letter looks kind of familiar? That's right. That's how I start my journal with. And with that, this is my December 4th journal, and I'm writing this just for you.
On this December 4th journal, I would like to wish you, again, a happy birthday to our Kim Seokjin. You are, and always be, the greatest man of my life. The words you read on my journal was just the young me blinded by a fake love that I had once received. You deserve all kinds of happiness in this world, with that smile of yours, I don't want it to fade away. Even though I know it was faded once because of me, and I guarantee you that those things won't happen again. I won't be the same, I will show the other side of me to you, and I hope you will accept me for who I am.
I apologize for ruining your 2012 birthday, for not wishing you, the non existent calls, texts and whatever else, I'm sorry. Today, right now, I want to repay back for what I've done. You can see a box in front of you, wrapped in a pink gift wrapper, your favourite colour. Open it, and I hope you'll like them. Enjoy your special day!
Love, KSJ.