Supernatural House Arrest (Supernatural Fanfic)

Chapter 58

"You know what I just realized?" Michael says a few minutes later.

"What?" Lucifer asks.

"Jesus legitimately cannot fight back."

"What do you mean?" Lucifer asks. "He always fights back. Not very well, of course, but he still fights back."

"But now he's on earth," Michael reminds him. "He can pretty much only do what Chuck wants him to. Otherwise, he's basically human."

"Oh, right. Forgot about that." A smirk slowly spreads across his face. "This is gonna be so easy."

"It's a bit one sided, though."

"Yeah, and?"

"And that's not fair to him," Michael reiterates.

"What's your point?"

"That it's not as fun?" Michael tries again. He's decently sure it would be just as enjoyable if Jesus didn't fight back, but the guilt would get to him eventually if he doesn't convince Lucifer that it's a bad idea.

And that's the story of how Jesus got corned in an almost empty room, pelted by stuffed bears.

"Seriously?" he says incredulously, holding a bear in front of him. He looks between the two archangels, his disappointment clear on his face. "That's the best you could come up with?"

"No, it's the best Michael would let me do," Lucifer replies. "Besides, angel strength?"

He whips a stuffed cat at him next, and had Jesus not been a little bit magical and Chuck watching from beyond, it probably would have left a hole in Jesus' chest. As it is, it just hurts like hell, possibly leaving a bruise if someone like him can get those.

"There are more fun ways to do this," Michael tells his brother. He mouths silently, "One, two, three, go," and Lucifer, knowing at least part of what Michael wants, teleports out to the war room with him.

"What'd you do?" Lucifer asks.

"Let's just say he'll have a hard time swimming through all those stuffed animals," Michael replies.

"The dude can walk on water," Lucifer reminds him.

"In theory, sure, but only because Dad did it for him," Michael reminds him. "I don't see Dad fixing this one."

"Ah, true," Lucifer agrees. "But stuffed animals are boring. I wanna do something fun."

"Maybe," Michael replies. "But not now. Not yet. Let's see how much fun we can have with these first."

Lucifer rolls his eyes and crosses his arms. "Fine, but I'm gonna complain the whole time."

~~

When the two oldest archangels return, Gabriel can only assume Jesus isn't far behind. He'd really rather not get caught in this war, and Kali's being such a tease, so he decides to kill two birds with one stone. He takes her hand and leads her away to one of the bedrooms that he expects to be empty. It's the middle of the day, for gods sake. No ones sleeping right now.

But, he realizes when he opens the door, sleep isn't the only thing people do in these rooms.

No, no one's having sex. Get your mind out of the gutter.

No, what they find is a room full of stuffed animals, flowing out into the hall the moment the door opens. He just looks at the bedroom for a moment. So that happened.

"Hi?" Gabriel says uncertainly. "Is someone here?"

Kali just gives him a bitch really? face.

"Depends who's asking," a muffled voice replies.

Gabriel sighs. He should have known. He snaps the stuffed animals out of existence, and Jesus falls to the floor. With a flap of his wings, Gabriel stands next to him. He offers Jesus a hand up, which he takes gratefully.

"Stuffed animals?" Gabriel says in disbelief. "Is that what your prank war has come to?"

"It's better than the alternatives," Jesus replies, brushing himself off. "Can you bring some of them back? Because right now, that's really all I've got to fight back with."

Gabriel scoffs. He's going to fight archangels with stuffed animals? Jesus may not have been the best prankster in heaven, but that's a new level of pathetic, even for him.

"No," Gabriel says finally. "It's not."

"What do you mean?"

"You've got me to fight back with," Gabriel tells him. "I'm officially on your team."

Jesus grins. "Things are looking up now."

Kali groans in frustration. Great. There goes her boyfriend on some stupid Trickster revenge gig thing. Now what's she supposed to do?