Be More Chill/Dear Evan Hansen One Shot Collection

A swirl of emotions

⚠️ literally just a shit ton of depression/anxiety⚠️

Yelling
That's all he could remember.
Harsh, stinging words that cut into his skin farther than a knife.
He wanted to end it all.
Escape the pain he felt.
But he couldn't bring himself to...

He thought there was no way out.
No way out of the yelling, or hurting.
He thought about running away.
He thought about blocking it all out.
That worked for a bit.
Just a bit.

He had a single pair of black headphones that he wore, his music loud In attempt to keep the arguments that broke out, out of his head. His brother and his mother yelling. And then the days he was with his dad was the same thing.
Arguing.
When those days happened, he sat in his room.
Sometimes he cried, sometimes he didn't have enough tears.

He didn't have that bad of a life.
He didn't understand why he felt this way.
The feeling of Depression, anxiety,
he didn't get it.
His parents always said 'there's no reason for you to be depressed'
and there really wasn't.
But he was anyway.
Just another reason he was a failure.

He loved his family.
loved them with every bone in his body.
But... his brother was... kind of an ass sometimes.
His brother punched him sometimes,
Kicked him, slapped him.
But that's just siblings... right?
He didn't want anything bad to happen to them... his biggest fear was being separated from them.
That wasn't what he wanted.

They had good days where nothing went wrong... and others where he'd be too terrified to see his brother.
Sometimes, he flinched when his brother walked up to him.

He friends he could go to, but was scared of annoying them by making almost all their conversations about him.
He knew they were tired of it.
He knew they didn't like him deep down.

He somewhat enjoyed school.
Somewhat.
He had good days, where he was confidant and happy.
And other days where he'd rather be dead then face his classmates.
Even his friends, whom insisted they'd be there. And then told him to stfu. (Jokingly, but still... it hurt him)

There was a single person though.
One person who was there, and made him feel better.
Even if they barely noticed him.
He was popular, he was loved.
Everyone knew his name.
And that boy was the one reason he went on sometimes.

He tried to get better, so his crush would notice him.
Eating more, trying to go to school more often, trying to up his studies.
But the truth hurt.
His crush was a senior.
He was a sophomore.
They'd never end up together.
And that hurt.

So he kept pushing his feelings down. No one needed to know his emotions.
He didn't trust anyone with knowing.

Which was why he was scared.
Scared his family would hate him.
Scared his friends would leave.
Scared he'd never be good enough.
Never be successful...
Never be wanted...
Loved...

It hurt.
It hurt a lot.
He didn't know what to do

And Rich was absolutely terrified.