Chase You

38; the longest car journey

The huddle and bustle of the university preparations were finally over. Ben and I had sorted out our accommodation, deposit, first month's rent and our enrolment. We hadn't  What seen the place yet, but from the images on the internet, it seemed like a nice, cosy place that's affordable and not in the middle of nowhere, filled with questionable choices of furniture.

Although it was still very early, we knew that it being in the heart of Manchester, it was bound to be very busy and we'd never find a place as good as this one.

It felt so weird that I was finally taking this step with Ben. Last year when I applied, I did it all by myself, and knew absolutely nobody until the very first week when my other flat mates moved in.

Ben was insistent when it came to joining every Facebook group he could find of any clubs and societies we might join or course mates we could make friends with. It was annoying, like a fly that was constantly buzzing around you but totally out of sight. That kind of annoying.

I was at an advantage applying and preparing this so early, since being at an Oxford university meant that applications for medical degrees had to be handed in two whole months prior to other universities, so enrolments would've been sorted out by now, so would accommodations and other necessary bits.

I sighed and pressed my face to the window of the car.

I didn't realise how obvious my sigh was until Ben spoke up, worry lacing his voice. With the worry, came relief, from my end. Nobody has ever been so genuinely worried for me. Not really.

"What's wrong?"

"Oh.. just, nothing. I don't even know why I'm so melodramatic-"

"Don't bullshit me," he deadpanned, reading right through me.

"I'm overwhelmed. So much has happened since this time last year."

"Yeah?"

"It's bothering me that It's as I'm a completely different person. I don't hate the person I was when we were in school, but I don't hate the person I am now, either. I hate the fact that I feel unrecognisable to myself."

"That's deep." He commented, his lips twitching upwards. "You sound like you're literally having a mid life crisis and you're only nineteen."

I drummed my fingers against the armrest, losing myself in my thoughts again. If I had met this new, reformed version of myself as a different person when I was in school, I don't think I would've even become friends with them. The word 'loser' might've even escaped my lips.

It wasn't that I was a horrible person in school, no, instead, I was just the type of person obsessed with reputation, hierarchy, and the need to be liked by everyone. Of course, I did royally screw myself over with everything that happened with Liam's ex-girlfriend, Naomi, but with all that aside, the need to be liked was like heroin to my veins. Compulsive. It felt like the only thing that could keep me afloat.

I felt like spoilt brat. I had everything. A loving family, a down to earth boyfriend, a place at Oxford... why did I feel so disconnected? Unhappy? Lonely? Why can't I just feel content for once? Was my perception of perfection so warped that people like me couldn't ever be fortunate to feel such a way? 

I rolled my eyes at my own heinous inside thoughts, focusing on the road ahead. There was nothing particularly eye catching, but even looking at empty grass fields ought to be better than listening to myself put myself down. Maybe I deserved to be unhappy. That's what this was all about. Yes. That made sense.

Gulping, my hand traced Ben's hand on the steering wheel, grasping it in my own and intwining my fingers with his. He could drive with one hand.

I let our hands drop in between our seats, until I felt it being lifted up again. He placed a chaste kiss on the back of my hand, calloused, plump lips gentle on my skin, before heat surged through my arm and through my body, warming my heart a little and providing me some comfort, even for a short period of time.