Untamed Confessions [R-18]

024 - Mahaderong Bastos

Confession by Ceebz

My name is Ceebz. That's my real nickname. I don't want to hide my name 'cause I don't think I have anything to hide. My life is an open book to my friends-and those who personally knows me, and I am not ashamed naman to express myself, my sensuality and sexuality.

I'm a flirt. I know that. I'm a playgirl. I know that too. I'm an independent woman with a playful side. I know what I want, I say what I want and I get what I want-but only if possible. Marami pa ring mga lalaki na nagdaan sa akin na hindi makapaniwala na ganun ako ka-liberated; from whom they can come to fuck and leave without hang-ups and too much drama. Marami rin sa mga dati kong kaibigan ang very judgmental sa personality ko, using derogatory words such as "easy," "whore," and "pok-pok" to describe me. Ang sa akin naman... pakialam ba nila sa akin? For as long as hindi naman ako pumapatol sa may mga sabit, may asawa, may karelasyon at ka-buddy, they don't have the right to judge me.

I love sex, and I know I'm good at it. Pero hindi naman ako basta-basta pumapatol kung kani-kanino. May standard naman ako kahit pa'no. I'm easily turned-on sa mga lalaking g'wapo pero brusko na may pagka-bastos. Ewan ko ba, kanya-kanya lang talaga siguro ng trip ang mga tao. Type ko rin 'yung mga tipo bang tila may galit at frustration sa mundo, dahil usually, 'yung mga ganun ang super wild sa kama. Natatawa ka siguro, but that's true. Type ko rin 'yung mga lalaking tila walang kahihiyan lalo na pagdating sa sex. Just like the guy I had sex with sa gitna mismo ng isang party habang nagchi-cheer ang mga tao. You got it right. It was like a live sex, only that we still had our clothes on. Well, the guy was actually not just a guy... he was my college boyfriend na s'yang nakauna sa akin. He was so wild and shameless kaya siguro ako nagkaganito. But the problem with that asshole, naging artista lang, nagbago na. Nakahanap lang ng mas magagandang mayayari n'ya, ipinagpalit na n'ya ako nang tuluyan. But I'm not going to tell you who he is. Wild man ako at maldita, hindi naman ako ganun kasama para mangwasak ng career kahit sobrang nasaktan talaga ako sa ginawa n'ya sa akin.

After that heartbreak, I kind of lost myself for a while. I felt so unloved and unwanted kaya medyo nagoyo ako nung biyudong professor kong babaero. Alam kong babaero s'ya kasi hindi lang ako ang karelasyon n'ya. As far as I know, he was also flirting with his colleague-na may asawa. And I kind of saw them kissing in his car one time, but I did not bother to confront him regarding that dahil hindi rin naman ako seryoso sa kanya. Basta ang sa 'kin lang no'n, I just want to feel I still exist and alive, and I guess I just have to admit na kahit hindi kasing intense ng ex ko ang actual intercourse with him, the old guy, who was around 15 years older than me, was really an excellent licker. Nahinto na lang kami when I graduated from college.

After graduation, nagtrabaho akong P.A. sa isang T.V. station. Medyo nakaka-recover na ako sa first heartbreak ko that time kaya I went out with guys na type ko talaga. But the problem I usually encountered was, the sex was bad. Sorry kung makaabot man sa kanila 'to, but that was the truth. Sex na walang thrill, shoot agad walang foreplay, kung may licking man it was horrible. May isa, kahit kingky, at ginawa namin sa isang high-end hotel, I just couldn't get the big "O." Siguro kasi, I felt awkward because my sex partner was kind of trying too hard to please me. It's kind of nice for a guy to do everything he could to make me happy kaya kahit hindi ko talaga na-enjoy, I faked my orgasm. I feigned my excitement and I practically pretended I was in cloud nine. I know it was bad to lie but I just don't want to hurt his feelings.

Sad to say, I was in an out of relationships-with horrible sex, for a couple of years more before I left the Philippines for Canada. I am still a member of an editorial group when I met my first Canadian boyfriend. Nakilala ko s'ya sa welcome party para sa akin, bilang barkada ng elder brother ko. According to him, it was love at first sight, though para sa akin, it was actually love at first sex. As I've said, I've been in relationship with horrible sex partners before him kaya, he was an "a" okey na para sa akin kahit na, ang totoo, it wasn't really perfect. I guess I just like the fact that he was a foreigner; a tall guy with a big D, and has fulfilled my fantasies of having sex in the strangest places. The relationship was short lived though, dahil nag-break din kami after three months because of a "certain" incident na hindi ko inaasahan.