Untamed Confessions [R-18]

052 - Pontio Piloto

Confession by Natalie G.

Hi, my name is Natalie. That's my real name but kindly keep my last name and profile away from public scrutiny. I am not really prepared for comments from people who actually know me, though I really don't mind hearing from strangers for as long as my identity is hidden.

Maikli lang naman po ang story ko. Hindi ko lang ito makalimutan dahil paulit-ulit itong nagre-replay sa alaala ko.  Wala pa akong napagsabihan nito, and maybe that's what pushed me to share it to you for the first time.

My story is about my encounter with a complete stranger on my solo tour to Bali. Nag-iisa ako noon at tumuloy pa rin sa trip sa kabila noon para hindi naman masayang ang kahit kalahati ng non-refundable ticket na wedding gift from friends, sa naunsiyaming kasal ko with my ex.

Hindi natuloy ang kasal ko with my 15-year relationship. Medyo masakit pa ito as I write this but I have to somehow give you a clue kung bakit hindi ito natuloy. I don't really want to discuss the details dahil ayoko na itong isipin, but to complete my story, which led to this experience, I will summarize na lang what exactly happened in a very brief paragraph.

Days before our wedding, I discovered that my ex is going to be a dad. I wasn't pregnant that time so if you are smart enough, then I guess I don't need to tell you more. F*cking cliche. A common break-up trope, but hurts pretty much extraordinarily; on my perspective at the very least. And I guess that's pretty much enough also to make you understand that I was hell-bent during that trip. I was confused, heartbroken, and absolutely fragile. It felt like, I wasted half of my whole f*cking life with the wrong guy. And I really believe that my feeling, ain't only a feeling at all, but a f*cking ugly fact. Fifteen f*cking wasted years! I really hated him so much for that, and I'm sorry for my language because I literally wished that he should go to hell with thousands of demons, slicing his penis into a thousand shreds over and over until forever.

And so my hazy week-long vacation to Bali began with my head pretty much messed up. In my mind were thousands of thoughts, including the many ways I could kill myself. Some less morbid thoughts include, just spend all our joint savings to an out of control shopping spree, and others, just how to f*cking get high and careless about the world, by becoming a serial killer for a week.

I want to kill all men. Most especially those that resembled my ex. But I am too lazy to think of ideas on where and how to kill them without having to clean up the crime scene. I don't have the f*cking knowledge of the place as well so I don't really have a clue on where I could hide their bodies.  I was a f*cking knife ready to stab anyone; a deadly creature ready to devour the insides of any sweet pair of honeymooners who f*cking reminded me of how pathetic my once happy life had become. I'm an agnostic, so I pretty much don't have anyone that they call God to call, or maybe to blame. I have no one to blame but a scapegoat. The only thing that was missing was, who.

"Miss." Pagtawag sa akin ng isang lalaki sa hindi kalayuan. He was rushing towards me while I was on my way to my hotel. It was getting dark that I could barely see his face, kaya pilit ko itong inaaninag the moment na huminto ako sa paglalakad. 

"What?" masungit na salubong ko rito nang makalapit ito

"Can you check your phone?" humihingal ito sa aking harapan.

My brows furrowed pero agad ko rin namang hinanap ito sa loob ng tote bag ko. It wasn't there. Instant ang naramdaman kong panic, because besides my wallet, my whole life is in that phone. I can't afford to lose it, but it's not because I can't afford to get a new phone, but all the data that are stored in that little thing, thinking that not all of them are completely saved in my cloud drive.

"F*cking hell..." bulong ko habang pilit na hinahanap ito sa bag ko.

"Hindi niyo na po ba ako naaalala?" the guy barged in.