Rivals For Breakfast

57| Curtains

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Cole,

What color are your wings up there? I hope they're black. Black like asphalt not night, black like obsidian, or onyx or hematite. Because you were a dark but beautiful person, of whom I can not even say "his heart was pure."

It's been three years and I still can't believe you're gone. I still search for you everywhere. I still expect to wake up wrapped in your arms every morning. I look for you in everyone, but when I look in their eyes, I realize they can never be as beautiful as yours. It was cruel of you to leave me here all by myself. It took me months to fall asleep after that night, and when I finally did, the nightmares were so unbearable, I realized not sleeping was better after all.

I survived off of our memories for a while, and then one day I realized, even that was fading away. First to evade me was the sound of your voice, and then your smile, and then one day when I closed my eyes I realized I could no longer see your face.

The only thing that remained was the emotions. For so long I writhed in a gloomy place infested with fear, pain, and grief. Then one day I remembered how you swept me off my feet in Barcelona, and how we danced that evening to the beat of a large crowd, and a smile spread across my lips.

Nolan and his dad were nice enough to take me in. They got me through high school, and even when I made things difficult, they didn't give up. They took care of me when I couldn't take care of myself. Then Nolan found a nice girl, they got married and moved away, and for a while, it was just me in Japan trying to navigate the flooded streets. I ran into Scarlet once in Tokyo she seemed to be doing well for herself, I was happy for her.

The year Juggy got arrested and whatever was left of The Thirteens dissipated, I tried to come home. I sat at the airport for hours before deciding I couldn't do it, then took the first flight back to Japan.

I found some healing in the seasons, but it was slow. And no matter how hard I tried to put everything behind me, my heart always came back to you.

You see, you are my refrain. You were more real to me then the very air that hits my lungs. You were more pure to me then the very earth beneath my toes. You were the love of my life, my soulmate, and when you died so many parts of me died with you.

I was lost for so long. I couldn't understand. Why can nothing be eternal? Even the stars will die someday. I couldn't find the good in goodbye. I cherished my fear because feeling something is better than feeling nothing at all. Living in guilt meant I didn't have to love myself, and I wouldn't dare love myself, not after everything. Not after knowing that you died because you loved me, that my own brother pulled the trigger that ended your life.

But that's why I'm here today, overlooking this sunset. You told me once that whenever you visited this place you vowed not to leave with the same baggage that you came with. That was the day you first kissed me, and that was the day I knew that I loved you.

When I think back on everything, I realize you taught me so much. My mind often returns to Guernica, and I remember the way you admired it. I think you knew then, that war is an ugly and senseless thing. And it's something I know now. You taught me what it means to be selfless, and what it means to truly love. Our last night together, you let me go, not because you couldn't keep me, but because you loved me selflessly. You told me you believed in me, and even on my darkest night, those words serve as a small glimmer of hope. I know now that there's no temporary fix for pain. Some people use drugs, some people use alcohol, some people use sex, and I used you. But filling a void in the soul with objects of matter can only deepen your sorrow. I learned that only I can heal the cracks in my foundation. I am not a half for someone to make whole, I must be whole on my own, like a flower that blooms from concrete or a star that dances in the night sky. I must learn to sing on my own before I can harmonize to any melody.

There's a silver lining to every cloud. The city is so peaceful now, the streets are safe, and the people can breathe. So, I suppose that everything that transpired may truly have been the best for the many innocent lives that were suffering for a feud that didn't belong to them. Whether it all came down to fate, magic, or the cosmo's is a matter I no longer worry myself with.

I'm here to say goodbye, to shed a final tear for of all the fallen stars, whose names have long been forgotten. Pedro. Kailen. Selena. Cole Jr. Draco. Raven. Bryson. Brent. And for the many more that lost their lives that year. I even shed a tear for Arsen, because only he knows the demons he was forced to battle all on his own.

I'm here to forgive, not just myself but everyone else, because that is a power I hold all on my own. I know that with forgiveness our love can live forever. And Cole, I will always love you. Even now looking at this sunset I realize that your sunset was the most magnificent of them all.

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