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What is Love?
Love is giving someone your all—even when your all, is in pieces.
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CHAPTER 69- The Downside of Not Meeting You When I Was Still Whole
HELL's MEMORY BOX
The only reason I was still alive at the age of 17, when I've always wanted to kill myself since I was 7, is because if I were to die—I wouldn't be able to eat dinner with my mom, ever again.
Dead people don't have the luxury to eat dinner with their moms.
Dead people cannot eat; nor can they drink, or even breathe.
Dead people don't have the luxury to do anything, at all.
They're just... dead.
Yeah.
How uncool it may be, the only reason I've been putting death on hold for years, is so I could still eat dinner. With her. My mom. Once every two (?) or three (?) months. I... lived for those dinners—literally.
Even though my mom and I wouldn't speak a word nor make eye contact every time we'd eat together, even though I was always drowning in awkwardness in the midst of the deafening silence at the dinner table, even though every time I'd steal glances at her face, my desire to take my own life only heightens... I lived for those moments, and those moments only. Those once every two (?) or three (?) months dinners with her—no matter how silent, wordless, awkward, deafening, painful—they have always been my excuse to keep living. The last excuse I have left.
Tonight, I'm finally going to eat dinner with her again after almost three months of just eating by myself. Today's her birthday so, this dinner is kind of special. I even bought her a birthday cake, even if it's not cool.
I told the maids to knock on my room once she arrives. She's working today like any other day, but since it's her birthday, I know she'd definitely come back in time for dinner. That old lady always comes in time for dinner when it's her birthday, it's kind of her tradition.
I was busy playing video games when one of the maids knocked. The maid need not tell me anything, I already know what that means. Old lady's back, finally! I immediately paused the game and headed outside.
You see, when you're fvcking tired of living, almost nothing in this world excites you anymore... But—I'd be lying if I said I wasn't excited to get to the dining room and meet her.
I was planning to play it cool once I saw her, was planning to hide the fact that I missed her, but--upon entering the dining room, I... there was no way I could have play it cool.
"What the fvck is that thing doing here!?" I shouted, glaring at the monster I have refused to consider human, and call my dad ever again.
He's supposed to be out of our lives, this monster. Out of our house, but for some reason, the goddamn thing's inside the dining room with my mom now. Judging by how he's sitting by the dining table, it looks like he's actually planning to have dinner with us.
What.
the.
fvck.
"He's not a thing. He's your dad," my mom said.
He's your dad
her fvcking statement repeated
your dad
