s t r o n g | brendon urie

14

i visited ryan on saturday with his little brother, dylan. he was happy to see us and said so far he wasn't doing well. i told him to keep his head high and smile. i knew he could do it.

i'd gotten another song done and had so many meetings about merch, songs, touring and had to visit my new po box and collect letters. i wrote back obviously as i loved my fans so much. i stayed up most nights reading letters when i couldn't sleep and it really helped my mood knowing that millions people around the world loved me.

the house was really lonely without ryan. most times it hurt me so much that i cried. sarah caught me crying once and comforted me. i told her what was wrong and she insisted i came by whenever i wanted. i refused as i didn't want to be a bother but in the end she dragged me to her house.

"god i don't wanna have a fucking baby! i can't run! or jump! do you know how hard that is!?" i exclaimed, as me and my parents sipped our drinks. "it could have been worse. you can walk at least" sarah says. "but i can't fun" i pouted like a kid. "how adorable" brendon pinched my cheeks gently. i groaned and hit my head on the table. "i. want. freedom" i say, in between bangs. "hey your bringing a human to the world. your awesome" brendon said. "i. am. use. less." brendon pulled me away from the table as i hit my head.

"no. you are not. don't say that" he said sternly, holding me close. "ugh!" i threw myself onto the floor. "imagine if men were pregnant. would you still have abs?" i asked my dad. he just looked at me weirdly. "what's going on with her?" he asked sarah. she shrugged, confused. "is water wet?" i asked. my parents were shook. "come on darling" brendon lifted me up into his arms "babe...just sit and be cute while i deal with this...thing" brendon said to his wife, as he took me away.

"lana what's going on? your acting so different. you've been like this for a while now" my dad said to me, closing the door behind him. i didn't say a word. i just sat on the bed, fiddling with my hands. "i'm not gonna be mad. i'm just asking out of concern" he said. that didn't change a thing. i wouldn't say a word. "i'll wait. take your time" he sat next to me and wrapped his arms round me.

i ended up bursting into tears.

"hey it's okay. i gotcha" he pulled me onto his lap and held me close while i let out my emotional and feelings that i'd been bottling up for ages. i felt so useless and worthless. i wanted to crawl into a hole and die. i didn't deserve ryan. i didn't deserve the kid i was about to have. i didn't deserve my friends. i didn't deserve my amazing parents. i was nothing.

"hey listen to me. you are none of those things. don't you dare speak horribly about yourself. your the most strongest kid i've never known. no one would have ever been able to battle all the pain you went through. i'm not letting you go. don't forget that. i'm always going to be here for you no matter what. whats happening to ryan isn't your fault. you've done nothing but help him. maddie broke your heart and you helped her in her hardest time. no one would have ever done anything like that. i love you so fucking much and i'm not letting you feel shit.

because you aren't. your my girl and mine only"