Tell Me I'm A Bad Man [Teacher/Student Frerard]

Eleven - Made Things Harder At Best

Trigger warning for self-harm and suicide mention in this chapter ❤️

"Frank?" Gerard's voice floated through the dark, and I turned my head to face him.

"Yeah?"

He took a deep breath. "Nothing. It's okay." I heard him roll onto his side, and I felt his eyes on me. "Can I ask you something?"

I continued to stare at the ceiling, my hands clasped on my chest. "I suppose."

He paused, and he shuffled closer to me. "Did you mean what you said about telling the police what had happened?"

I pretended to think, my eyes closing. "No."

"Really?"

"Really."

He exhaled. "Okay. That's good." He swallowed. "Can I ask something else?"

"If you have to."

"Can we talk about why you moved schools?"

I opened my eyes and looked in his direction. "No. We can't."

"Why not?"

"Because I don't want to talk about it. You know what happened. Or rather, you know my mom's version of what happened." I turned my head back to the ceiling. "There's nothing to say."

He reached out and tilted my face towards his again. "I want to know what it's like from your point of view."

"My mom made me move schools because I was suicidal. What's there to say?"

There was a pause, and I wanted to know what expression was on his beautiful face. "I was suicidal once."

The sentence shocked me, and for a moment I couldn't speak. "I beg your pardon?"

"Nothing. It's nothing. Forget I ever said anything." He rolled over, his back to me, and I sighed.

I could feel my heart beating fast beneath my ribs. I wanted him to tell me how he had felt, I wanted him to describe the feeling in his chest and the hopelessness in his heart. I wanted him to tell me that I wasn't alone as I thought.

"What was your first time like?" I asked, out of the blue. It was a weird thing to talk about at three in the morning, but obviously neither of us could sleep, so it made sense to fill the silence.

"My first time? What, sex?" He spoke, still with his back to me, and I stopped myself from curling my body against his.

"Yeah."

"With a guy or a girl? Because I've done both."

"Guy."

"With me topping or bottoming?"

"Jesus, you've had a lot of sex."

He chuckled. "Come here." I shuffled closer to him and turned on my side, wrapping my right arm around his waist. "I haven't really had that much sex, y'know. My first time being a bottom was with Bert. My first time topping was with some random dude at a party when I was in college."

"What do you prefer?"

He paused. "It depends on who it is."

"Was it messy?"

"Oh, yeah. Both times. My first time topping was messier, 'cause we were both wasted, and I was so out of it I could barely hold myself up."

I let my hand drift towards his hip, tracing small circles on the bone. "Wow, that sounded...fun."