Tell Me I'm A Bad Man [Teacher/Student Frerard]

Thirteen - Do You Miss Me?

Small mention of self-harm/suicide in this chapter ❤️

I didn't know what the time was. One, two, three a.m. Could've been five for all I knew. I was lying in bed, facing the ceiling, unable to sleep at all. I couldn't stop thinking about the expression on Bert's face. Looking at him when he'd walked in, it was as if I'd suddenly remembered that Gerard was actually engaged to a man with a heart and feelings, who loved him. I knew nothing about Bert, but just by the crumpled look on his face, I knew that I'd participated in the breaking of his heart for my own selfish gain, and that made me feel horrible.

He'd even bought roses for Gerard, a dozen of them; they had been wrapped elegantly in a black tissue paper and tied with a red ribbon.

The only other time I'd ever seen an adult look so upset and broken was when the police told my mother that my father was dead. They were two completely different situations, with two completely different outcomes, but it was the same kind of expression. Like he really believed that things were okay, and then bam...his heart got ripped from his chest and thrown to the floor.

I didn't even know if I could compare it to that, but that's what it seemed to me.

I knew full well that he had been holding back tears, and he'd been trying his absolute best - nobody wants to see a grown man cry, and no man wants to be the one crying.

I felt horrible and selfish for thinking it, but now that Bert had caught Gerard cheating, he would have an incentive to break up with him. I mean, Gerard was totally taking him for granted and screwing around with me, so Bert didn't deserve that. Yeah, that was why I wanted them to break up.

Thinking about it now, I became more preoccupied with the fact that I caused Gerard to break his heart than the fact that he'd caught Gerard with one of his students - and I suddenly thanked whoever created big black baggy sweaters that hid school uniform.

Then my mind turned to Gerard. I knew that he was upset. I knew that he felt guilty. After Bert had caught us, I'd left, wanting those two to talk it out themselves. I wanted to call him and ask him if he was okay, but I knew that I couldn't. If he wanted to talk to me, he'd talk to me.

I rolled onto my side, facing the window, curling into a ball. It was cold, even though the window was closed and I was wearing a sweater. Was it wrong that, even though it wasn't my intention to break them up, I was a little pleased that there was a potential for them to break up?

The urge to contact Gerard was rising, and I sighed heavily. Fuck this crush. If only humans had the ability to choose whether they liked someone or not - because if I had a choice, I would not like Gerard. Maybe.

Just as I reached for my phone, it burst into life, and I snatched it up, my heart beating fast. I could hear it, feel it, as I sat up and looked at Gerard's caller I.D. It was not long past three but I answered the call anyway, crossing my legs and watching the sheets move too.

"Hey." I said, flicking my tongue over my lip ring. Fuck school - there was no way I was letting my piercings close up.

"I didn't think you'd be awake. Not with school tomorrow." Gerard's smooth voice said, making my heart skip a beat. He breathed in, as if he was smoking, and it made me want a cigarette too.

"No, I - I can't sleep."

There was a pause. "After you left, Bert and I had an argument."

"Is he upset?" I traced patterns on the plain duvet, prodding at my knee. My wrist itched, but it was too much effort to scratch it. It would just make it hurt more.

"Very." I didn't reply, licking my lips. "It was our worst argument by far. But it's okay now." I brought my left hand up and bit the skin around my thumbnail, my hands shaking. I could guess what was coming, but I didn't want him to say it. "We talked it out, and we've decided to keep going."