wallflower | taekook

nine.

"One thing you can't hide
is when you're crippled inside."
— John Lennon

Jungkook POV

It wasn't stopping. I knew he was worrying about me and wanting to ask questions, I saw the way Taehyung would open his mouth but give up and talk to Jimin instead. It was the same way on the car ride home, my hands shoved into my hoodie pockets to hide the shaking, Taehyung glancing over his shoulder from the passengers seat like I didn't notice.

Jimin noticed something was up, but he didn't question it. Instead he dropped me off outside my apartment building like usual and smiled sweetly, me mumbling a quiet goodbye to the two boys before grabbing my shopping bag and backpack, dragging myself up to my door.

It was unlocked like usual. I never found a need to lock my doors. If someone really wanted to break in then they're going to do it whether it was locked or not, I just rather not spend money later on a new door.

My stomach grumbled as I kicked the door shut behind me, dropping my two bags on the living room couch before passing the kitchen and going straight to my room. I wasn't in the mood to eat and my body just begged for sleep that I knew wouldn't come.

I wanted to sleep but every time I closed my eyes all I saw was Taehyung's concerned eyes and felt his soft hands covering my cold shaking ones. They haven't stopped since, fingers clutching the bed sheets as I squeezed my eyes shut, feeling my breath quicken as I checked the clock for the hundredth time.

This only ever happened at night. It only happens when I'm left alone with my own toxic thoughts, the darkness creeping around my mind and suffocating everything, leaving me in a mess of shakes and cold sweats. It didn't take long for me to end up in my bathroom, bare feet on the cold tile as I stared at the orange bottles. Ones prescribed and others that weren't, those being the ones that captured my attention at times like this. Labels torn off or written over in black marker, stinking of mistakes and regrets.

I shut the mirror again, only to be met with my reflection and dark circles that sat under my eyes like evil crescents. The dark side of the moon that held a story, a past of bad decisions and a lost boy spiraling down into the darkness of his own mind. It was a road I knew all too well, a road I wasn't about to go down again. But that's easier said then done.

My fingers gripped the edge of the sink, head hanging low and eyes squeezed shut. It would be so easy, they were right there. Just a simple twist and a simple swallow and I could finally feel relaxed once again.

The simple fact that I was considering it made me sick to my stomach. My grip only tightened on the edge of the sink and I'm sure my knuckles resembled the same shade as the white granite. It's been so long and all that progress would have been for nothing.

Just imagine was Jimin would think.

The grip I had on the edge of sink loosened, only for a moment. I pictured my friend if he found out, the disappointment and sadness clear in his eyes despite his smile as he reassured me it would be okay. An entire scenario I can picture because it's all happened once before. But what if he doesn't want to be a part of it this time? What if he gives up on me and I'm left all alone for good? That would be the end.

A vibration broke through the silence of my apartment. The pills forgotten at the moment as I stood there frozen, holding my breath to see if I had imagined the sound.

Then it came again, the distinct sound of my phone vibrating on the wood of my nightstand. There was a dim glow coming from my screen as it lit up a small part of my room.

His name flashed across my screen right beside the green messaging app icon. There were two texts just from Taehyung, and I realized it was well past 2 am.